I thought I was superman….I have come to realise that I can’t take on so much. I have a pile of letters unopened, most of them probably some demand for some bill or the other, also because of my exam commitment my work has been suffering and I am behind with my deliverables, studying for my exams is also takings its toll, I also had to take about half the month off from work in May to study and attend my exams which means I will only get half my usual salary. Normally my salary is just about enough normally but I have so many outstanding bills to pay that a full salary was never going to be enough but now I will only be getting half as I plan to only work for half the month. When you compound that with my imminent departure from my home (which means I will never be permanently living with my children again) I think it just got too much for me and on the first day of my exams I had a complete memory block. The paper in itself was not that difficult but I just couldn’t remember anything! Later that night I woke up about 1am to study but I just had a breakdown….it was like watching someone else, pacing round the room, going downstairs, upstairs and downstairs again, walking around, talking to myself about nothing and I had no control over it! I became so scarred I called my mum (at about 3am!), she was obviously asleep so called my sister she too was asleep…I now decided to go and see my wife in her room but that again took me about an hour or so…walking to the door, going back to bed, getting up, going into her room, coming out of the room etc….eventually I sat down next to her as she lay in bed and woke her up to tell her I love her very much and I was very sorry….I am not exactly sure why I did that…I didn’t even know I was going to say it like that…..went back to my room and then decided I was going to defer my exams…I instantly was very disappointed but I could feel a huge load lifted away from my shoulders….this would mean I will work for most of the days in May, I will have time to study at a good pace for the exams. I am now in the process of getting an approval to do the exams late summer, I hope it works out. In the meantime I can now find somewhere else to live as we start the mediation period. Going to see her, I think also helped me as I now realise I was still carrying some hope that we could get back together which was harming me. She sent me an email later on in the day to say she heard me and that it will be tough but she hopes the separation is amicable. I feel a lot better than I did before but I have now come to realise I can’t take on too much stress.
I will now face life and give it my best shot…..