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2013-04-21 00:47:31 (UTC)

April 20,2013

It has been awhile,but here I am as should be expected. Iam married to Matt Ursick. Who has never thought about anyones feelings. But why would he, they wouldn't be his own. I have my feelngs which "are crazy." Maybe they are. There are so many days where I think ceasing to exist would be easier.
First off,you know you get excited when you have your first child. Pictures,etc.I have had to request every single picture that was taken of Graham and myself.When I pointed it out to Matt,he asusual said that is not true. The millions ofpictures taken by my in-laws are only sent to Matt and except for his baptism do not ever include me.
I do hope Graham loves me more than his father or my in-laws. That is because when I look at them, I see selfishness and self-centeredness. If I could name Matt's worst quality,it would be his self-centeredness. He likeshunting,fine.He likes fishing,fine. Obviously, he doesn't trulylike me. He takes off for hunting, fishing, whatever else hunting related. Never for me. Not once,unless he was naGGED via email,text,or my voice. Don't worry he has this monday off for the opening day of turkey season. Also, forSouth Dakota in October.
I get my wisdom teeth out in 3 weeks and I have the whole week off bc ouroffice isclosed for renovations. Ask him if he has taken off or thought about it,

This is why I get angry. This is why, when he says he loves me, I don't say it back. I want to love him, but I always think I am not going to say something I don't feel is true. I may not always act angry, but part of me is because he never changes.And he thinks by saying those 3 words,it will make things better,it will make me happier,......and then we can have sex. I swear those 3 words are the biggest libido killer,because they make me angry. those 3 words are in my mind associated with laziness. laziness to have to think about me, to think about graham when its not convenient, to try and make those who you have a Special relationship with feel special.

I often think,how nice would it be to move away. get away from his family. Idon'tlike calling them my family. They are not my family. Family looks out for one another.Family isn't fake. Family listens to one another. I swear if you asked the Ursicks to write down what they know about me. They would not be ableto give you more of a description of me than my patients who hear me talk for the 45 min Iam working on them.

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