The Anonymous Writer

The Journal With No Name
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2013-04-16 22:11:58 (UTC)

The Day of the Semicolon

Dear Journal,

In my last entry I have written a story about a girl who was shaking her fists at the universe. She was frustrated with not advancing as far as she had hoped. She questioned her love for things that have been a part of her life from the moment she was born. She was alone and confused and crying out for help. At the end of this story, she had decided a way to find out whether people cared about her or not: Draw a semicolon on both wrists in hopes of somebody noticing them so she could explain to them the meaning. The epilogue? The semicolon idea was a pathetic attempt. (And believe me I'd be the person to know. ) However something or rather somebody did help her climb out of her hole and bought her some time.

Today I was given the book The Fault In Our Stars with thanks to Bea. Everybody was buzzing about how well written it was and how it gave them a good, hard cry at the end. And so I decided it was a must to read. Quite frankly I may not have needed another good, hard cry but these are the type of books I live for. They help me gain another perspective on life: A perspective where every bye or see-you-laters could possibly be the final goodbye. Needless to say, I have finished the book. I did not cry. I did not fall in love with book as I have with other books. (Green Angel By Alice Hoffman or Catcher in the Rye by, well, that's a classic..) So you are probably wondering why this book bought me some time, huh? Well if anything it was the main character, Hazel. Now I'm not going to totally spoil the book for you like my friends did for me, but I may mention a few tidbits in the book so be well aware.

Hazel is a 16-year old girl with cancer. Other than the fact that she has non-cureable disease, her life is pretty much bland. Her cancer is controlling her. That is, until she met a boy. (Surprise, surprise.) His name is Augustus Waters, and I must say I fell for him too throughout the book. But the part I really want to get at is the fact that this girl was very in touch with the universe. She knew about things, adult things. I can't quite explain it without calling her an old soul or just very mature for her age, but I'm sure you can figure it out. (I mean you've got a brain, right?) And so as I was reading the book she had opened my eyes. I don't exactly know what she has unleashed inside of me quite yet, but I do know this: I feel very inspired. I'm practically shaking, Journal.

On page 299 I did not cry. I promise. My throat was swollen, tears were forming, and my heart was thumping. I did not cry. I was only close to shedding a tear. In that scene, Hazel asks her parents if they will stay together after she dies. Only 50 percent of married couples stay together after their child dies. And I don't know, but that depressed the hell out of me. Maybe I felt like I was too much like the character and the dad felt like too much like my dad and the mom felt like too much like my mom... if I had cancer, I mean.

OKay, so maybe I'm just reviewing this book and working it into my life somehow. But then again I'm more likely not making much sense to you, Journal and just speaking blabber. I just know that it made me feel inspired. It bought me some time and the world doesn't seem so awful anymore.

I will work at making sure my life doesn't suck so much. I first off started this approach with being nice to everybody. Especially the people people don't talk to very much. I've had conversations with them, lend them pencils, and shared a few jokes. I also approached a less suckier life by being nicer to my dad because it's not worth trying to fight him with every word. He may be wrong a lot of the time, but he's trying.

And quite honestly, I can't have stupid tennis or school control my life. Maybe I won't get a scholarship for tennis or get in at medical school. That is alright with me. I just want to make sure I am happy. Maybe instead I'll work for the White House. That'd be nice. I could use the skills I used to kick out Shirley's buttfucked-ass out of our friend group to kick out those corrupted douches out of the White House. In fact maybe I could even try to run for President. I would change a lot about this country. I'd first start off with the education and the meals they give to students. Why? Because they suck.

I could probably give you a whole speech on what I'd change with this world, let alone America. I could probably go on for hours. Right now I just need to work on changing myself. I'm unhappy and nobody is ready to help me. They are all oblivious. And so there are two options left for me.

A) To kill myself and leave many people with scars in their souls after my body is found.
B) Change my approach on life and maybe even change a little of who I am.

God, maybe I should write in you more often. I could probably solve the answer to end world hunger by the end of this year by writing to you, Journal. Wouldn't that be something to brag about as I ran for presidency? I'm joking of course. I'm going to be Pathologist. Politics is not for me. Too many narcissistic people in that area.

Signing off,
Brooke Something

P.S. I'm sorry if I don't make much sense. Much like Augustus I'm a very charasmatic being, but a sucky writer. I just can't put my thoughts together. And apparently I can't spell either, but life will press on. I'll bet you one million dollars.