The Anonymous Writer
The Journal With No Name
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Definition of Happy
Call me a badass to my own rules, but I think it's time to get back to writing in this journal. I don't care what I said in the past or how I felt about this journal or my writing.. it is what it is. Right now I just want to talk about my emotions and what is going on in my life. I need a place to cope. I'm 13, almost 14, for crying out loud. If I can't find a place to cope then I'm going to be back in a very dark place and we don't want that. Now do we?
I'm going to start out with also explaining to you Journal that I'm not going to make as big of an effort as before to update you. If I happen to make an entry per day then great. If not then no worries. Same goes as keeping up with my drama and stress on here. If I don't then so what? This journal is meant for me. (What a lucky winner you are to get to hear about a common 13-year old girl's life!!!)
Anyway here goes what I've got to say today:
Today has been.... I'm not quite sure. I woke up today for the first time in a long time forgetting that it was a Monday and not the weekend. I still woke up on time, don't worry, but it was just weird. I always wake up knowing what day it is. I especially know as soon as I wake up if I have school or not. Today I didn't wake up with that much alertness however. It was weird, but I carried on like a normal person would. So I got changed and did all of my usual activities. Then came breakfast. Now I must first add that recently I've changed. I run a lot more and eat a lot less. My parents have noticed a change in my weight. It's a healthy change. Today however? I ate more than I have in a while. You could say that I went back to the "Old Brooke Breakfast." I practically ate 2 and a half meals in one sitting. Not very good for a person wishing to reach a healthy, fit body. However I continued on trying to not let that bother me by walking to my bus stop. And so I did and I went to school. And school wasn't so bad. I love my friends and they make me smile. School is a little bit harder than usual and it has gotten a lot more stressful, but I try not make that bother me so much. Fortunately the school day went by pretty fast and before I knew it I was outside waiting for my bus to pick me up. And so it did and I went home. When I reached home I ate 2 sandwiches and one bowl of cereal, in which is WAY more than I usually eat. (I have a set amount of calories I'm allowed to eat per day in order to reach to a healthy weight within 5 weeks.) You could say at the very least I was upset with myself, but at the time the food was just oh-so delicious. I couldn't stop myself. I felt like the "old Brooke" once again. Of course I didn't let that bother me and so I continued on like a normal person. I went to tennis and played. I didn't play very good however. I didn't suck, but I didn't dominate. I kept finding my mind wonder off somewhere else or even nowhere at all during tennis practice. I wasn't running. I wasn't hitting the ball like I should. I wasn't very determined. Eventually tennis ended and I didn't let my poor tennis day ruin me. I still had serving to do with my dad. (I've been practicing my serves with my dad recently. I'm not where I should be with my serves.) So I practiced my serves. I would take a ball, throw it in the air, and focus on how I was going to hit it. I did that for about 3 or 4 buckets worth. And then suddenly something happened to me. I don't know exactly what, but this thing that happened to me today has not been the first time this has happened to me recently or in the distant past.
I just didn't want to press on anymore. And so I told my dad I was done. And we picked up the balls that were just lying on the tennis court. Then my dad got a phone call or called somebody (my uncle Matt, his twin brother.)
Another thing happens after I don't want to press on anymore. (You see that's not the only thing that has been happening to me.) The other part is me starting to shed some light tears. I say light because they are silent and move down my face pretty easily. Sometimes I imagine my tears like the raindrops that slide quickly down the car windows after they build up with many small raindrops. And in a way that is a metaphor of how those tears began to form on my face.
And so this is where I ask: What is the definition of being happy?
Some people may tell you that the definition is when your soul is smiling. Others may tell you it is when you get a house, get a job, have a family, and life a peaceful life. And I'm sure you get the point with all of these examples and all, but is there a complicated formula to make a human happy? I'm not very happy right now so it'd be great to figure out if there was. Sometimes I get very frustrated with life. I feel like I'm not owning up to all of my potential. In fact I know I'm not owning up to it. I'm lazy. And yet that is not quite the whole reason for my failure to be happy. I wasn't happy when I was a little kid, long before being lazy would mean ruining my life. I mean... I wasn't a miserable child. I was always smiling, but I just wasn't blissful. I was alone a lot. And I enjoyed that I really did, but I found myself not living up to my childhood years. I was on the computer and on the tv ALL DAY. Once in a while my only friend would call me and ask to hang out and so we would, but we didn't do much. I love her a lot now and realize how much she means to me. She's probably one of the few people I'd do anything for....but now I'm rambling so I think we should really get back onto subject here and that is about happiness.
I'm 13, almost 14, years old and I can honestly say that I am not happy.
I don't wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and thankful to be alive. I don't do much with my life with a purpose anymore. I find myself to be useless. I'm less than 1% of the Earth's population and I feel much, much smaller than that right now. So what can I do to make me happy? Is it to quit tennis? Is it reinvent myself? Is it to go exercising more? Is it to wait for these feelings to pass no matter how many months or years it will take? Honestly I don't have any answers for myself. Usually I'd be able to solve this problem on my own, but lately I can't seem to do much.
My friends don't even know I'm this unhappy. They've seen a glimpse of me crying. In fact I'm sure they've seen glimpses of the whole emotional spectrum coming from me these past 2 years I've been friends with them in this goddamn town. However they don't see how unhappy I am right now. When I explain to them in the past how I felt I can see how shocked their faces are. And so I've decided to stop telling them. It brings pity and me appearing to ask for attention and too many questions to the table, and that is just really unnecessary.
My parents don't even know I'm this unhappy. They've seen a sliver of it a year ago. That's when I took a break from tennis. They were worried about me. I was seriously depressed then. Emphasis on seriously.
But my dad, especially doesn't know. When I was shedding my light tears today he didn't notice. (And this isn't the first time. FYI.) He was too busy talking to his brother. In fact I was walking to the car all alone because he was already inside. While I was walking I passed this playground. On one of the playground stairs this man saw me and said something very strange.
"I think your dad likes you playing tennis more than you do."
I guess what I'm trying to get to here is that happiness is a very important thing to have. Especially when you are as young as I am. And it's a shame I don't have that. And it's even more of a shame that I don't know how to get there. You, Journal are my only hope to help me discover myself and unlock my happiness. Everybody else may want to understand what's going on in my head, but they honestly don't know how to help me any more than I do. I mean, heck, if they can't notice it and a stranger can then I think that just shows how oblivious they must be to my current state of being.
I'm going to even put a semicolon on BOTH of my wrists tomorrow for that day dedicated to people who were about to commit suicide, who self harm, are depressed, unhappy, etc. And if anybody notices that I have a semicolon on either wrist then I'm going to tell them,
"This semicolon is on my wrist because I'm unhappy. However I'm open for a change."
And how right that is. I've been waiting for a very long time now.
P.S. My birthday is on April 26th. Maybe this birthday will help me lift up spirits. Who knows? Birthdays for me are not usually so bad..