No More Strength
Without a shadow of a doubt I am in the middle of the most difficult time of my life. It started about 2years ago and has snowballed since then to probably culminate in my leaving the family house or my wife and children leaving. Either way i will end up alone. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy or just relaxed with no care in the world, definitely not in the last 2 years. To compound it I have taken up what is easily the most difficult personal task I have ever done. While working full time in a new role which is extremely demanding i am embarking on an Msc degree in Mathematics which although is part time (split the course over 2 years) it is really designed for full time as lectures are during office hours and the materials covered are quite significant in volume. I always knew my mathematics was not up to scratch (one of the main reasons why i registered for the course) and it has become increasingly obvious as I study for my exams. Passing these exams will easily be my greatest personal achievement. Mainly because of the difficulty of attending the classes, finding time to read and understand the subject and also because I am in the middle of a marriage break down. Most days i just want to give up and jerk it in. Something in me doesn’t agree with that though and I keep pressing ahead against all the odds I face.
In the last days or so i have become increasing scarred and I can’t help crying. As the days get closer and life without my children gets increasingly real. I just breakdown. My purpose in life is primarily to be a husband and a father and build a home. A happy home. To the effect I can then pursue my destiny and my ultimate goal which is to be a conduit through which God uses to ease the pain of this world. First of all I am not even sure God will choose me. I am too much of a sinner. If i were him i wouldn’t touch myself with a barge pole. He used to love me but i am not sure how many time he can forgive my trespasses. I have simply failed him. It is even worse than that. I have failed my wife and most disappointingly failed my children. I have made them disadvantaged. Unfortunately I know they are going to face hard times as I am not completely sure of how my wife will look after them by herself (with the help of my cousin). I think her bitterness, hurt and anger is misguiding and clouding her judgement. It is very sad but she is insisting on the brake up. I kind of understand if want s to break up because of the break in trust but I am very disappointed in the way she is going about it. I feel so hurt as she portrays me as an irresponsible husband. That, I know (and she knows deep down inside) is a fallacy.
I want to just grab her and shake her back to her senses and make her see the complete picture of her decision. I have the urge to go and see her and talk to her but I know it would not make any difference to her decision and I will only end up worse off as I will be angry, hurt and sad all over again that she rejected me.
I now realise that the reason why I have never thought about working abroad or back home (to where i am from). This is because i want to be there for my children. I want to see them and guide them every day. In the last few days I have started looking at working abroad or back home if the split does happen. I want to move away from what I am doing and start working in a position of influence (ie management) and start implementing all my ideas. I can’t do that in the trap I am in right now, which is wonderful when I am living with my family as the love of my family surpasses everything else. Without this love I feel nothing for this place. I just want to go and become something special.
It will be a difficult time for me but right now first thing first....I need to concentrate on my exams. I am going to try my damn best to get God to be with me, I will need his support, guide, counselling and love as i no longer have any strength in me to do this anymore.....