kiddo16

NaivetY & ChildhooD LefT BehinD
2013-03-23 21:13:38 (UTC)

Envy of happiness

Today all of them brought along their family members. Apparently everyone is either just got married, meaning they only brought their spouse along or single. There's only one colleague who brought her son and daughter. Gosh! Only God knows how envious I am. Since young, my family..well I grew up lonely. I didn't know my parents only after my o levels. At that point of time, the only reason why I gotta know them was because they got into trouble and in need of support. All my life previously was only made up of me and my brothers. Even so it wasn't that great of memories. Yea, I would have to admit there were some great times where we played and joked around. But as compared to those good times, there were more bad times. I remembered we quarrelled a lot and my brothers hated me much for it. It came to a point where my life don't place a meaning to theirs as they tried to remove from the whole picture. It was that bad.. at that point of time, all I could do was to live with it and try my entertainment out there. Even so, my relations with much friends were not that fantastic. I was always seen as goody-2-shoes that I was outcast from people's life. I remember tearing up everytime I went to sleep just because I want no one to see it. Once someone sees it, I will be further ortracized. Yes, it was totally a lonely childhood. There was simply no one who cares but somehow, I survived. Nowadays... when I thought life would get better.. it just continues to be the same. There is still no one that I could confide in.. no one who cares. But one great thing is that I had learnt to live with it. No longer will I tear up before sleep. Instead, I will simply sniff it up and push the feeling aside. However still... when there're such events like today, where I see how happy others are.. I can't help but have that feeling of envy. It's during these times that no matter how hard I try to sniff it up.. the emotions will want to make an escape. I see today how in sync 2 person can be. How people can have the same interest and gets to talk about it freely. How when it gets awkward, people can gather around together and together they overcome the awkwardness from the surrounding. When I reached, all I could do was give a smile to Everyone and pretend that all's gonna be okay. Gosh! It has been so long since I've used that phrase on myself. That things are gonna be okay everytime. Well... I'll be strong alright. I guess God have something in store for me. There's a high possibility that I'll have no one till the end of my life. He just wants me to learn to live with it. Like what my Uztaz said, if I'm patient.. maybe it'll happen over there. I believe definitely God is listening to all these silent cries from me. I've just got to be patient and sniff it up. Maybe happiness is not something I'll get in this life. Love, care and concern is not something for me. I'll just have to live with it. Correct? I'll try..




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