The Anonymous Writer

The Journal With No Name
2013-03-17 15:15:21 (UTC)

Discombobulated

Dear Journal,

To be honest I don't really care much to write in you anymore. There's too much to say and I have little time to write it and to be frank I'd rather sleep now. I'm just so very tired. Too much is going on and too many people are inviting me to things and I honestly just want to stay home and make some warm food and hot tea and watch the Sister Hood Of the Traveling Pants 2 and then sleep! Is that too much to ask for?

Obviously it is. Mr. Turner, a very old family friend, invited me to get some chinese food soon. I was too polite to decline his offer even though I tried to play off like I was tired. I don't know how, but he just talked me into it. And so now I'm in jeans which I'm not trying to wear and I have my hair straightened which I'm not tryna do. Ugh. And then there was yesterday. Bea was trying to invite me to her house with all of the boys being there, including my boyfriend. And I just didn't want to go. Luckily it was over text so there was no way I was talked into it that time. My boyfriend understands too so he's not upset with me and it's not like I missed much.

You see I just tend to really hate people after a while. Don't take it offensively, but people are just really annoying. Why take it offensively? Well my fellow reader it's because I'm also talking about you. It's just ANYBODY really. There are times in my life where I can stand people and there are times where I cannot. I have this introverted side to myself. I like hanging out with just myself and recollecting my thoughts. I like running by myself and watching movies by myself and I like reading by myself. It's calming.

Yet you're most likely bored out of your mind reading this so my fellow reader let me get into the good stuff.

Let's see: People still really hate Shirley. However recently Shirley has been putting up her nice girl face on. The fake one that we all trusted? Yeah well it's working on some people. Not too many, but it's still worrisome. Just this Friday Shirley kept laughing and staring at me like she was the boss, in which was annoying. It gets worse. I could tell she was talking shit about me. I don't know what she said, but to be honest it wasn't that I was worried as much as I was like, "Bitch whatchu talkin' about?"

The same happened with Esther. Esther is really over her. Did I mention she gave all of Shirley's clothes back? I'm happy that Esther is done. She's done with that whole under the influence scene. Thank god!

But enough with Shirley. I don't even talk to her at school, why talk about her?

You see I have a boyfriend. I don't know how long we've been going on for. Maybe like four weeks? It doesn't matter. The important thing I'm trying to say is I don't know how much I like him anymore. You see it could be just because I'm annoyed of everybody right now. (The introverted thing I talked about earlier probably has to deal with this.) But then again when we kiss.... it's just not the same as it was with my first love. I don't even think I love this boy. I'm starting to think it was just a social thing. I mean I really did like him at first, don't get me wrong! I've been thinking.... and I don't know if I want to stay his girlfriend for much longer. I'm going to be busy with tennis and there are going to be times I don't want to hang with people at all and what time does that leave for him? Like 1% of my time?

That's just not enough.

Maybe he will get the idea though and break up with me? I don't know. Usually I'd be the one to break up with the boy, but you see it gets complicated if I do. The boys will see me as the bitch and it will get awkward between my boyfriend and I. I don't know if we'd talk anymore. I would break his heart. The heart that has been heads over heels for me for 2 years.

Oh god I really do feel like a bitch. I'm toying with this boy. It's just... he kisses so bad and there's not much conversation going on to keep my interested and I don't find him as attractive anymore and it's nothing like my first love. I keep going back to what it first felt like to have a "thing" with somebody. It felt whimsical. I know that sounded corny, but it did. I actually felt the magic, but here? There's nothing more but a crappy magician kit between my boyfriend and I now.

What. do. I. do.


Spring break is just around the corner....
School is almost over...
or I could get him to break up with me...
Or I could just put up with it and let it sizzle out...

Life is tough. I need to get my shit together and just dump him. I just can't though. He's too sweet. I hate being considered a bitch. When I dumped this one boy at my school it was horrifying. All of the boys gave me so much shit just because I lost interest in him. And yet 2 years later and he's yet to kiss a girl...
but still the experience was too painful to bear again. I'd get so many calls from him too. He'd say he was with Shirley and she was on his dick or something much worse. (That's the point where he thought he could get with her, but really she was just slutting it up for the attention.) And that was just the worst thing anybody could tell me.

So basically guys, I should just not go out with anybody ever again until I graduate from high school. I think that sounds good. Maybe even until I graduate medical school. I don't have time for boys and I honestly don't have time to be tormented with any aspects of dating. It SUCKS.

Don't date anybody. It's awful and you may not have a way out of the relationship until God know's when.

Signing off,
Brooke Something


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