Vanilla

What am I thinking?

I feel like I should write this down...Ryan. Thoughts: I dont know how I feel...I dont trust myself because its been so long since I felt attracted to someone that it actually scares me to think. But then maybe its just a fascination and nothing more? I always take risks...but they dont usually work out worth it but then again why do I even care anymore? Havnt I established that there doesnt need to be love care emotion any of that crap involved. But what if Im dumb enough to fall?...what if I get hurt? and what? isit the end of the world? no. URGHHHHH seriously I would have been better off looking extremely ugly and having any hope. Why the hell do I get attached to men? And I DONTTTTT want to pursue this. I cannnnnnot pursue this. I am not doing this again. Just breath and have fun H its kool its not a big deal...so they say kmt. Try going through all the crap I have..I am so fuked up.

Thats the issue. My fukedupness...do i ever last more than 6 months alone? ever? what happened to giving myself a break? I am attracted to the wrong things in life...anything that can fuck me over.

I say NO to all the guys who can actually take care of me, and build something with...although Parag REAAAALLY isnt my type. And then theres those...that really couldnt give a crap about me and what do i do? go running.