cells

Ragdoll Princess
2013-03-14 05:24:18 (UTC)

new place, old me

this is my third day here in bangkok. yesterday, i went with my aunt lan to her work. she toured me around and bought me some personal stuff. she taught me some of her work in housekeeping. she taught me how to mopped the floor and she helped me washed the new clothes she bought me. the condominium where she worked was so fancy that only a rich people could afford. her employer is an american. good thing that her boss was not around because he was in US for one month, so she toured me around the house. i admired the elegance of the unit, it was a mixed of american-Thai style, and i saw some of Thai's artwork and small statue decorated in some of the area. it was so clean because aunt maintains it cleanliness and Eco-friendly ambiance. the house was elegant, however, i don't like much its color brown ambiance, because it's a little bit of boring for me. when i will have my own space i would like to decorate it in a Japanese style. i want an empty but peaceful and clean home. in manila, i still lived in my father's place with my brother jorge and i don't have my own space ever. i hope i could have my own here in Bangkok, but before i could have a space of my own, i have to have a job here first. talking of job, lately, there were lot's of things in my head. i know that my status here is a lot different when im still in manila. there i worked in an office as a customer service representative in an international account and i could consider myself in a white collar job. here, i have to go with what i could grab. i know it's a little bit ironic why i left Philippines when i have a job there and with a good salary.the answer is; i was looking for where i could fit? im not happy there working as a call center agent, because i dont think im good enough and satisfied enough to stay there. every time i goes to work, i feel tired already and sad. i know i was just stressed when im still working there but i know im looking for something that i know i could feel that it is really my calling. i dont imagine myself as an agent for long. it was so ridiculous that i will go here (thailand)and try my luck here. i sometimes worry for the following day because my money is not enough to cover my stay here. i have to sleep either to my cousins' apartment (Rex and Mitch) or to aunt lan's. today i chose to sleep in Mitch apt. she told me that i could used a wifi while im still a waiting for an available job (yeah, i'm still a bummer since my last employment.)
since, im a complete bummer (yeah, a bummer in bangkok. i almost forgot, im a tourist...lol!!) i still have time to read books (i borrowed filipino romance pocketbook and already finished one, i got it from Rex's apt.) and used the wifi to add entry here and update my FB status or sometimes watch some videos in youtube. i have nothing to do, i have to wait, i just depend on my cousins and aunt lan for now.
and besides, i just arrived last Tuesday and like what Rex told me, why in a rush? he told me to relax and don't worry too much. yeah, i guess he's right, but then, this relaxing is not forever. i know i have to work and pray that i could have the job that will not only save me but will also my stepping stone for the start of my new life.

this is something that was on my mind, ever since aunt lan showed me her work; will i able to work right this time? stay long this time? beat my fear this time? act responsibly this time? act smart and mature this time? hopefully, since i left Philippines temporarily and chose to find my opportunities here, i hope, i also left the old me---the fragile, childish, coward, and doubtless me. these were also the reasons why i decided to leave my country for a while. i would like to see a different improved me. i hope i could achieve it, and start right here....it was a struggle at first, and i could count how many worries i will have, how many adjustments i need to do, and challenging things to try, but i know, in the end, i could gain something from it...
lessons, experience and courage.
God is my protector, the only light in the dark, my strength and my hope...
he will train me to be strong...and this choice that i made...is just part of his training for me, though i chose this.
this, still counts.
right God?

okay, im still the old me, ill forgive myself for the meantime since i dont have job yet, ill just let it passed...but it is not forever.
i have to change, for better.
i have to.
i MUST.





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