2013-03-11 10:14:54 (UTC)

Why Do I Cry?

I was wondering the other way why do I cry?
Well, I don't like to show my pain.
But I know why I cry. It's when I think about my friends leaving me.
It's when I think about the time I was abandoned in Y block because my "friends" wanted to play computer games. They left me reading a book but God forbid anyone check up on me to see if I was alright.
I cry because I am alone. I cry because I call be friends and I don't actually mean it. I cry because when I try to hold it in, people give me a hug. And that breaks me apart.
I cry because I think of all my friends leaving. I remember how only a few seniors left last year dressed in all black and I deleted the video from my phone because it caused me pain, seeing the confetti thrown everywhere. Is it really how that's going to end for us?
I cry because no one understands me. Everyone asks me what's wrong but no one actually cares. everyone has their own friends, everyone has their own life. I, am nothing.
I can admit it now, I'm not as introverted as I thought I would be. I thought maybe that if I held it in for long enough I would just suppress it all.

I cry because when I think about all the times I wanted to be left alone, I wasn't alone. And when I'm at my most vulnerable, everyone comes to me with their problems and are suddenly feeling so great when I feel like shit. I think maybe for my benefit I'll stop trying to ask people about their day, because at least I won't take the risks.

I cry when I see others crying, when I see others in pain, and when others experience a loss. I cry when somebody leaves and I don't know how to tell them goodbye, especially because my counselor ("counselor")'s mother had died. I remember when I had met her, she was so nice. The attendance lady introduced me to her. She asked me if I was depressed. Because she actually cared about me. During that time, she cared about me a lot more than other people did.

I think what hurts the most is when I don't realize how much I take people who care for me for granted. because one day they could just disappear and I always constantly insult them. What if I insult someone day and they won't live to see the next day? What if I lose a friend like Ify and it was actually my fault?

What if I don't ever get to tell Ahmed how I feel? Or Mohsin? because they're already best friends.

What if the most scary feeling is I wake up one day and my mother isn't there for me? What if I think she's sleeping and I tiptoe into the room to wake her up and didn't realize it would be the last time I would ever say bendicion to her because she just finished doing a shitload of chores for me and I was mad because she just didn't wanna do something else for me?

What if Harris was right? I care too much for people when I shouldn't give a fuck? But my mom always said it was the best quality to have to care for other people, even if it begins to take a toll on your soul.

I pushed my mom away for so long, during my child years. Especially when I needed her the most. And even though I'm in the library drenched in my tears as I type this, I can never ever ever appreciate how much she's done for me, I love her so much. And my father too. I love my family. Just this morning my older brother cooked me breakfast, and was even willing to give me food and drinks.

What if I don't have that in the future? People who care? I admit it, I'm so over trying to be alone. What if I'm alone?! What if EVERYONE who asks me what's wrong is only saying that to be polite? Everyone walks by like nothing is happening. What if I die the next day? will people feel as bad as I did when I realized how much time I lost with them?

When the seniors graduate, I'm going to be so lost. I'm going to be so lost and I don't know how many times I can say it. What if I don't see Harris, or Aamir or Robin or Josh? Or anyone who has acknowledged my existence and Robin even told me he had my back but if he was here right now he would've turned his back. And I don't know how to respond to being alone like that. I don't know how to reply how to be anything.

When I go home I'm going to tell everyone how much I love them, and how much they mean to me and I'm not gonna do anything to try and make them feel sad or attracted attention. I'm going to make them smile even if the worst possible thing happens, like they do disappear the next day and I didn't ever get to tell them how much they truly meant to me. I don't wanna spend another moment wallowing in hatred for other people or being very petty about things they've done against me.

I was being such a lameass yesterday. I was watching Kyle XY and I started crying because although kyle and his mother are actors, they had a bond. And when kyle left, she was strong, and she stayed expressionless. I know that's how my mom is going to be, but she's not strong enough to push me off. She's going to cry too when I move out the house. and I don't even wanna do that because mother's sorrow is so burdensome and painful, even more painful then the acidic tears that are scalding my face.

The last time I cried I was listening to How to Save a Life. This time I am crying listening to it. I know people are going to be asking me if I'm crying.

I'm gonna go to Chemistry and act like everything's okay. They'll think I'm just being sad again, but I'm so deep down in that hole that I don't even know how to climb back out and I hope that not even Ahmed sees me like this because it is so humiliating. And I don't think the people I care about care for me.

I remember people like Irf and see if I'm really doing anything to help them like him smoking weed just shocked me. and I don't wanna see him go down the wrong path and we're supposed to travel together. And it just sucks when you watch someone you love go down a hole they're not supposed to and you just watch them fall like.

that will NEVER happen.

There's only one solution. I just live like tomorrow's the last day of my life.
And the day after that.
And the day after that.

And as many days at it'll take for my life to end but I just want everyone of my friends to know how much I truly love them. And how much i really need them.

And that's when robin comes back.