z2smith

z2Smith
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2013-03-10 07:09:53 (UTC)

Looking fwd

For most of 2011 I was desperate for my wife's attention...I reached out but she simply pushed me away. She was enjoying all the attention she was getting from her so called 'male friends' especially her boss who she kept on seeing in whatever form or shape despite what she said to me. Don't want to go over the details of that period as it is well behind me now. For a very long period (3 or more yrs) the children and I hardly saw her....not making excuses as I have my demons but I now know who I am and what I need. My wife as she is is, can't be for me. That is why sadly I see no other alternative. May be this is what we need to appreciate each other again we shall see. I have exams by end of april so can't really think now but after my exams I will have a clearer head and try to discover myself more. I need a period to myself, take a step back

Its kind of odd coming from a guy who was cheating on her. I was desperate for her. I will never forget the night we were coming back from a friend's party. Her husbanfd gave a speech and I was so moved and desperate to correct our marriage. On the way home I tried to hug her in the lift and she pushed me away saying I should leave her. I was so down that day. I have many examples, like the day I noticed she had taken off her wedding ring. I felt my stomach twist. Other examples include when I get home and she is not in and she gets home late, I become very desparate and my mind will wonder all over the place. The more I tried the more she pushed me away. She seem to have discovered herself in a way that did not involve me. I have never had a meaningful relationship with anyone else in my life. She was the first and only person I ever shared a life with. I couldn't cope with what was happening right in front of me and the last straw was when I discovered that she was still communicating with her boss in whatever shape outside work, then I requested a divorce to set myself free from the life that was choking me. Since then the rest is history. But one thing that period taught me is that I will never make my emotional life dependent on someone like that again it was just too much. She was the bacon of my life, I defaulted to anything she wanted and tip toed around her. Yes I did some horrible things emotionally but all my life I tried to make her life easier even at my expense. Right now all I get is abuse and defarmation of character and if you hear her speak I am the lowest of men. Since the day she told me she is leaving me this sunner I have been preparing myself mentally and I think I am doing ok. What finally freed me from her bondage was the night she started shouting and calling me names in front of the children and others in the house. I refuse to accept that. If there is one thing that is sacred to me it is respect. I know I have let her down but since then I have been trying to do the right things in a dignified manner despite all her childishness. I don't really see her and hardly communicate with her even though we live in the same house. I don't miss her (which is crucial) and don't pan for her. When she leaves the house it will be much easier as I don't get to hear her or see her at all. I know there will be tough days especially because of the children but they will survive, children are resilient. I hold no grudge or bitterness towards her, the only thing is the pain I feel at the lack of acknowledgement for all the things I put into the marriage. She know it but it is ok. I think I will be good and look forward to rebuilding my life.


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