Darts..,,, my former passion.
My friend was sad and depressed today. Not sure if I ever mentioned her or not. She is one of my friends from way back. Her name is Susan. She use to own a Mountain Mike's Pizza and I use to have lunch there. They had a couple of dart machines and I got her to start having dart leagues. At one time, it became the biggest dart hang out with the most teams for a single place.
I was one of the "up and coming" dart players and I'd always had teams that would make it to the finals every time. Nothing could stop my team (or so I thought). All was good. Worked hard, played hard, just bought a new home.
Then the ex happened. She was pregnant and that was the beginning of the long road to hell. Don't know what happened exactly but I went from always being in the final championship to the near bottom of the league. Something broke inside of me that never got fixed.
I spent a long time trying to get my game back. Practiced so hard for so long. Analyzed everything I could to improve my game. My strategy was near expert level. No, I couldn't ever quit my day job but I really really tried. Everything I did in my life I always did great in. Everything I did I learned faster than almost everyone else. I just couldn't understand it.
Finally, after years of trying, I figured it out. I was not that I didn't practice. It wasn't that I didn't concentrate. It was because I lost my fire, my determination, my will to win the game. To be the best, you have be fully focused to the point of near obsession. I no longer have that. I had to quit darts.
After all the bullshit that I had to experience from my ex, I just couldn't gain that fire back. How can I? How can I be so determined to win at anything when I felt like I went through hell? It made everything I did just seem so irrelevant.
I look back at all the times I use to win. At one point, I gave up league and just entered tournaments. At one point, there was a tournament somewhere everyday. It was a blind draw tourney which means they draw straws pretty much to see who your partner is. I would win 6 out of 7 days in the week.
My determination to win in darts is gone. Sure, I try but I don't have that fire anymore. So I look at my life and wonder. Is my fire and determination in life gone also? I try but not with any sort of fire or determination to win in life?
Maybe that is what woman smell in me and not my 60 dollar cologne. Maybe I'm doing all I'm suppose to do but with no real fire or determination. Maybe now that I don't sweat the small stuff, I'm just going through the motion. I'm not sure.
Feels like I'm in the eye of a storm but never out of the eye. At some point, something has to happen. I know where I go is up to me but doing something without the fire or desire is a mute point. So here I am again, I will play darts next season. I never got closer than 3rd place in league anymore but maybe this season will be different. Maybe this season, my life and heart will be different.
To be continued....
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