Watasumi Kasai

Complaining about shit
2013-03-04 07:12:28 (UTC)

I am a foolish girl

I'm listening to this amazing song called Replica by Ilaria Graziano. Its from an anime called Ghost in the Shell. We the movie anyway. The movie is call ghost in the shell: solid state society. I just can't get enough of it.

Actually I didn't come here to write about a song. I mean I am listening to it, but I have other things on my mind. Right now I'm in a weird mood. It's not loneliness and I don't think that I'm sad.

I did something I think I should be ashamed of, but I'm not sure I feel regret. It's more like I wish I could do more. I might as well just say what I did. I had sex with a long time friend of mine (outside). The problem with this is, I'm not a very sexually active person, but he is. In fact he was the first time since my first time. Now back to the real problem, He's married. Has been for about five years now.

He lives in another city with his wife and 2 kids. His wife is pregnant with the 3rd. When him and I were kids, I was around 14 when we met. I liked him so much and because oI was so shy I never said anything. He moved away bur we would see each other, not just me but a lot of us. He would always make passes at me and it just became natural for me to look forward to his visits. I'm 24 now.I've known him just over 10 years. At one point I really believe he liked me and that maybe we could take it slow. But one day I found out he got marred.

AND I HATED MYSELF FOR MOVING SO SLOW. I met her soon after and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't bring myself to hate her or truly dislike her in anyway. She had won and I was going to give up, but he still pursued me. It was almost relentless. I nearly gave in one day, we kissed and touched each other and tasted one another. But thanks to his cousin we didn't go all the way. I was disappointed but relieved at the same time. But this time there was not interruptions I performed oral on him and he putit in from the back. I guess you call that position doggie style. I can't lie it felt so good. I didn't think sex would feel that good. He didn't do it for a long time or go that deep but none the less it was still sex.

Now I wondering if I really want to so it again with him or if I really just don't care who it is I'll do it with next. My friend he's gone back home now sitting in the presence of his family. While I have nothing and no one to go home to. Maybe this is loneliness.

Me as an adult should understand when there're being used. But I also can't help it when some one acts like they need me. I guess it's a real personally flaw. He used me to escape from his marital life and I gladly complied. Now I'm paying for it. It's so funny I could really laugh about it all day. I'm feeling a lot of things at the moment but I can truly say regret is'nt one of them. I know thats bad but I'm not sure I know how to change that.

Until next time my dairy.




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