LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2013-03-02 23:23:49 (UTC)

WHy

I asked for this. I used to wonder what it was like. And then I felt guilty for wanting it.

But everything is fragmented, now.

Broken into so many pieces. I don't want to know why. I don't want to know what's wrong with me. i want it gone. That's it.

The tiniest thing pushes me off the ledge; Happy carefree, to suicidal in skates. I did a good job pretending, today. I woke up after a particularly satisfying nightmare, my dad said soemthing, and my mood plummeted."

I went ice skating and stared into space sometimes. I even day dreamed a bit... That I was someone else, or I was using spikes to climb up the hockey arena wall, until I reached the ceiling and fell to my death.

I thought about taking pills but I'm not going to lie. people care about me. I just don't really care about them.

I have been super mean to Bailey today. Not like straight out, "Bailey, you talk about yourself a lot, shut the fuck up" but more like emotionless texts, and she knows I can do better than that.

And then I feel betrayed when she doesn't text back, even though thats what I had tried to do in the first place.

I;m such an idiot. I tore all the sticky notes on the mirror up.I can't wait anymore.

moodswingsmoodswingsmoodswings these get so tiring,

Is it so much to ask to just STAY HAPPY for more than three fucking days? It felt so much more permanent than the other times...Maybe it'll come back. But the ache in my chest also feels permanent... Maybe I'll always be battling it.

Forever.

Oh god.

I can't stand that.


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