KMW

who am i to question life?
2013-03-02 21:42:59 (UTC)

Not Enough

I don't know what's wrong. Nor do I know why I can't stop crying. Technically, nothing's wrong. I went on a cute little walk in the woods with my boyfriend and then went home.
I guess it's last night. We were talking about drinking and parties, and he just incidentally made me feel stupid about it, because I don't drink. I felt naive and unimportant and just plain dumb about it and I couldn't bring myself to explain to him why I don't drink; my grandparents were both alcoholics.
He didn't mean to do that though and he asked if I was upset. I told him I was less than okay, and he apologized and said he loses it when it comes to alcohol, because he doesn't know how he feels about it. That one kinda affected me, because I immediately knew he was thinking back to Emily, his ex.
He kept apologizing and I kept saying he didn't have to, but he eventually just said he was a douche and he would end up fucking this up. I said that he wouldn't and he did the worst possible thing and said that he heard that before and that it didn't work out well.
He compared me to her. It still stings that he really just doesn't separate us. I'm not her. And I said so.
He didn't even seem to care, just said he didn't know who he was and that he'd fuck it up, and it killed me. He just assumed we wouldn't last or work out and it goddamn well hurt me. He sounded so much like Liam in that moment that I just wanted to cry for hours.
He still doesn't know what's going on between Liam and I. I can't tell him, even though I need him. He's managed to block out every snide remark Liam makes about me and I can't tell him about the stupid fucking Magic card.
My dick of an ex, Liam, made a deck of Magic cards relating to the people in his life for his drama class. Cool, right? Sure, until I found out I was in there. SIX MONTHS after he dumped ME and got together with his best friend 8 hours later, he makes a card that portrays me as a monster, both literally and figuratively.
I can't remember exactly what he said, it had something to do with me APPARENTLY managing to take away his confidence and make him unhappy. The jerk had the nerve to do that. We never fought before he dumped me, not once. But after, he would talk to me occasionally, just to start a fight. He'd do whatever he could to make me unhappy, insult me, my beliefs, my groups, he'd even let me know when other people talked about me to make me insecure.
And it worked. When he dumped me, he blamed it all on me. It took me forever to get over that, to start believing I wasn't as awful as he had told me I was. I don't know if I am over it, because his voice is constantly in my head.
But he humiliated me in front of a group of people, when I wasn't there, with that card. Wasn't even a little apologetic and when challenged by one of my friends, some girl I thought actually liked me , took his side and basically said I was a terrible person.
It hurt. The entire thing hurt me so much, even though it shouldn't. It was embarrassing, and people really believed him. It brought back all of my insecurities, just like he probably wanted it to.
My recovery isn't really happening anymore. I only eat when I'm forced to, and I hate looking in the mirror, I can rarely do it without sobbing. I hate every little bit of myself and for the first time, I feel suicidal, purely because no one would care.
But I can't tell my boyfriend this. He has enough problems without worrying about me. I won't tell him this and I won't tell him how much it hurts me to hear him compare me to Emily, or how hard it is for me not to compare him and Stephanie to Liam and Noelle.
I know it's selfish of me, but I really don't feel all too important to him. I know it's my insecurity and irrational fear speaking out there, but I can't help it. I don't feel good enough for him. For anyone, really. I try to love myself and fail, because I don't even like anything about myself.
I can't need him like this, I just can't. He may care, but I can't need him. Whenever I need someone, they leave me and he already seems to think we won't work out, just like Liam has mentioned.
I just hate myself all the time. I hate how I'm so closed off and shy, I hate the way I never speak up for myself, I hate how stressed I get, and I just hate the way I hate myself. What do I hate the most? How I'm really not good enough for anyone and probably won't ever be.




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