LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2013-02-22 00:08:38 (UTC)

you know who you are, but do you remember me?

paint cracking, peeling, revealing the wallpaper is hid. Changes are slow and fast.

Pause, press play, fast forward.

Pause again.

That's my mother, painting the living room.

Fast forward. Pause.

That's me, pretending to be a customer at Caroline and Nora's pretend restaurant, "La Mariposa"

Fast forward, pause.

It's dark, and someone is doing something to/with me in Caroline's room. Later, I try to sleep but I feel sick. It was uncomfortable. I hoped it would never happen again.

Fast forward, pause.

Unspeakable things, the past, it gets buried when fourth grade ends. Fifth grade is the Big Step to being elementary seniors in California but not NY. Still two years to go.

Fast forward, pause.

My sister is crying in the car as her boyfriend gets smaller on the horizon. They'll be together for another four years before she breaks up with him. Most of it, long distant relationship.

Fast forward, pause.

I felt nothing. Empty. I ignored it.

Fast forward, pause.

Beginning of sixth grade. Sat next to Avery. Said about two words to him throughout the year, yet people insisted on saying weird things about us. I hated it. I had stopped crushing on people before sixth grade, already.

Fast forward, pause. Summer after sixth grade, where the depression reallly kicked in. Friendless, up late, cold feet, hot days, sleepless nights, the horror. But suicide was not an option. I barely knew what it was. And cutting? Well, what was that?

Fast forward, pause.

November, seventh grade. Here I go. Things are about to get way worse.

Fast forward, pause. Summer, seventh grade. Another nightmare, constantly sinking. Constantly worrying about my fat.

Fast forward, pause.

Overdose. Very fun. Very addicting.

Fast forward, pause. Therapy.


Fast forward, pause. Now. And what now? You can go two ways, veronica. Or neither. Which do you choose?


why am i still alone.


What do i have to do, to prove myself?


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