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February 9, 2013 Saturday 3:57 PM
"Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang" by Sohodolls
"New Perspective" by Panic! At The Disco
[Two songs today. Woot.]
I know I'm not supposed to cut, but I can't help but miss the feeling. I really, really want to. I know I don't have to, and I know that the scars are ugly, but I've been missing my single blade.
It hurts more and goes deeper, but lacks a lot of blood, which is why I used my razor, to get the blood running down my arms... to the tips of my fingers, drip drip drip.
Speaking of which... I found writing in my painting notebook last night, and it said, "I'M WAITING" in capital letters. I drew a face.
But it was painted in blood. Kind of a lot of blood, too. It dried prettily on the paper, very glossy and gorgeous. If I were still allowed to cut, I would go do it right now and paint a picture with my own blood.
I really wish Caroline hadn't taken my single blade and sharpener-- it's very irritating, seeing the white scars on my shoulder from when I used it and then not being able to trace over them.
I still have my razor but it just doesn't feel the same. I can already see the razor scars turning from darker than my skin, to white. I guess I cut more than I thought. Let me count the single white ones on my shoulder...
Eighteen on my upper arm from the single blades, and five or six more from the razors. It doesn't look gross though, that's a first.
Ugh, well I'm going to stop now so that I don't actually go cut. I promised my new therapist lady I wouldn't.
I guess now it's time to go be happy... Clean my room... Go to Lily's. It all feels so surreal though, like this feeling of being okay will go away soon.
I'm waiting for a crazy mood to come in and take me away...
I'm waiting. I'm waiting for you, where are you? You said you would replace my insanity. Where are you, now?
Are you happy?