The Anonymous Writer

The Journal With No Name
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2013-02-08 18:53:44 (UTC)

Bipolar or Moodiness?

Dear Journal,

I was really prepared to talk to you about how I think I am may be bipolar. I was about to talk to you about how I'm overwhelmed with euphoria and depression. That I can never can seem to balance out my emotions. I had plenty of stories and facts to tell you, Journal.

I just can't seem to press the save entry button. I feel as if that I may not have this disease. I am probably just extremely moody. I mean, I thought I was depressed. And I probably was, but soon after I became extremely happy again. Like I couldn't stop smiling.

I'm the girl who won't stop smiling. I smile in my sleep for crying out loud. (My friends won't stop reminding me. So no I don't video tape myself sleeping you fucking idiot.)

And it may be because I'm on my period! That always causes moodswings!!

I just thought I suffered this bipolar thing because my moods are never balanced. It's either extreme or nothing. My thoughts jump to one idea to another too quickly for my friends or family to keep up. Not to mention sometimes I talk too loud or fast for them. I'm unable to concentrate very well. I try so hard to get focused, but I feel like there's either a boulder withholding my focus or I can't stop thinking about something else. I can sleep with little hours and wake up energetic as ever, but that's only when I'm happy. I tend to be overambitous and believe I have "powers" or abilities that I really don't have. (I can read people though! That shit is real you punks.) And the major thing? I've only been really experiencing these things since I've moved to North Carolina. I've been through more stress than ever since I've moved here. Both these stresses were good and bad. And I heard that's what triggers somebody being bipolar.

Oh god, you probably think I'm making this up. I'm not! I thought I was depressed actually, but this popped up and I saw the symptoms.... and it just matches me too perfectly. It actually scares me. I used to think I never had this, but what happened yesterday makes me think otherwise.

Yesterday I just randomly started crying during lunchtime. I don't know why. I don't ever cry. I resent tears coming down my face, especially in front of people in public! Let alone my friends!!! And then..... ever since then I'm unhappy. I can't sense where it came from. I was swimming in euphoria the past couple of days... it just doesn't make sense.

I'm trying to solve this puzzle. Being bipolar is all that seems to fit.

And say that I am bipolar. I wouldn't want my friends to know! I wouldn't want my family to know! I wouldn't want people in my tennis life or school life to know! They'd judge me. They'd all treat me differently. Already, my friends are treating me differently since my outburst during lunch. It was embarrassing! I'm pretty sure they think I'm depressed. It'd make sense from their perspective. I either lose my appetite or I'm voraciously consuming food. I'm staying clear of my friends. I just don't know.. I don't want to hang with them right now.

I'm being confusing like always. I seem to make sense to myself, but I reallly don't want to confuse you journal. Just tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. I would really appreciate it.

Signing out,
Brooke Something