CaptainAkwardtotheruinnotrescue

Tales of a Highschool Nothing
2013-02-04 02:18:14 (UTC)

47

I think i'll remember super bowl 47, despite how uneventful it was. And that's why. I feel like I've changed a lot in the past year, but I wish it was enough.My brother had a super bowl party at our house. I went out with Dazia and Alexa. I bought them McDonald's. We talked about college. I wondered what it would be like if we actually went to the same college, which they both agreed was a necessity. California, they said. An art school in California, and they meant it. I meant it deep inside too, but I worried about my grades. They were terrible and that was a compliment at best...
A
C
B
D
E
D. those were the grades I'd received and I wasn't sure whether to be proud that I hadn't earned any Fs this time around, or to crumble into a heap for doing so poorly.
I felt like things were being pressed for time, everything was happening, and all of it too too quickly and that made somethings not happen.
I was gaining weight back, I could see it in my face. There was more face were my angular jaw had just began to put-rude.
I had been selected for NUA student board, I didn't know what i'd gotten into. As if I was capable of full blown discussion with a group of people about ideas. I had no ideas. I wasn't a leader.
Alisha still wanted me to go to the Met. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to, a considerable piece of me. The other piece had just gotten comfortable with Classical; ruled it out. I was too fond of the streets and the bus rides and the field and everything that made uncomfortable just months before. I didn't want to tell Alicia no. She told Duncan. Duncan was the only person at Nua who i felt comfortable enough to hug. He was neither too quiet, nor too abrasive.
He said I should come to his school and we could be in the same class and make fun of people. My stomach churned, it was a very tempting offer. But now, I had at least one friend in every class I went to through out the day and it scared me. They knew none about my past. My depression, My social anxiety. the suicidal thoughts, the cutting, the self loathing, the therapy. How could i tell a person that? It's not exactly the first thing I like telling people.
Aside from this, I had to apply for summer college in Boston.
5 Weeks. Boston. Dorms. Art.
It seemed good on paper, but again, it all frightened me and too much. Could I even handle living away from home with strangers? I don't know. The deadline's closing in.
I was turning 16, soon. I needed to take drivers ed. That would take 2 weeks from 3-6 everyday of my life. I was hoping if I did well, with my brother and sisters all gone by September, I would get a car.
I wanted a job too. But it didn't fit in well with everything. And weight still an issue. An issue I kept swearing I'd come to terms with. An issue I didn't come to terms with.
I wished to run again. I missed the high.
But On Super Bowl 47 day, I went to my uncles house for his birthday. I thought about the people who were at my house, and for a millisecond, I wished to be there too. I ate cake and ice cream and guacamole that made up for all the calories I imagine I'd burned bouncing up and down for an entire hour.
When we went home my mood changed. I stalled in the car for a minute staring up at the ice fibers twinkling down from the stars. The house was much more crowded then I anticipated. They all yelled. I only saw a few people, but I scurried upstairs. A boy from my English class, a boy from my home room, and a boy who was popular in my grade. His sister. My brother, his girl friend, his best friend. An array of people who were seniors and football players, the twins I knew since 3rd grade, the ones who exclaimed "BRE-YONCE" when ever i walked view,
I thought about it as I snuck upstairs. How much I wish I was able to interact with these people. How I wish I was their friends. How I wish I could be what I knew my brother wanted me to be deep down, His protege. I wished i could too, I really did. He didn't understand how much I wished to be apart of it. To know them, to be known, to be able to have just one simple conversation with a human being without feeling as though my throat was sinking into my stomach.
I day dreamed about a day when it could all be a reality. I promised one day he wouldn't have to introduce me to people, again. and then I thought that maybe it never happen, and it was a bitter feeling. I'd just finished the Kite Runner. “I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.”




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