masters_slave

Slaves Journey
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2013-02-03 03:07:31 (UTC)

life is a mess

I have so many things going on. I am in a state of confusion and worry and extreme stress. I feel hopeless. I cannot remember a time in my life i have ever felt this hopeless. I have lived with a drug addict who went to prison, left me 8 months pregnant with 3 other kids, we were in a homeless shelter, no job, no money, no car..nothing....and that day i didn't feel this type of hopeless...

I am in love with a man. A man who has shown me so much happiness but also so much pain. I have never in my life hurt like i have for the past 2 days. I gave up everything for a different man once, moved me and my kids 1400 miles away only to have it a disaster and left 9 months later...carless, penniless, and that day didn't hurt as bad as these past 2 days...hell i don't even think i shed a tear for that man..

But this man...god this man has entered my soul, he is in my blood and my heart and my brain...every inch of me...for the past 2 days i cried..not just cried I wailed, i at one point believe i sounded like a dying animal...and when i broke i fell to the floor where ever i was and sobbed...i spent 2 hours curled in a ball crying on the kitchen floor...hours crying in the bathroom. I don'[t think i have cried like that even when a loved one has died...

i was blocked from his phone...which enabled me to have no option but to grieve...today i had to leave the house..my gram is in the hospital...the outlook is not good at all...so i had to get dressed and go out in the world...it is saturday, he broke my heart thursday night, and i stayed in on friday for not being able to function in the world...

i do not know why but i called him tonight...i will be honest it was the first time since thurday night i tried....it went to his voicemail..which means he unblocked me..why?

i sent him a text since he was blocked from my phone...told him i would unblock him and text him tonight..

i am so scared to do so...at this moment i am sad and hurt but feeling numb...i am enjoying the numbness, at least i can function somewhat...

i did email him and said he needed to be sure what he wanted, i cannot do this anymore...i cannot hurt like that again, i cannot wish i was dead over a man...i told him in the email i was so scared..and now i do not know what to do...

i have sat with my cell for 2 hours...starting a text than deleting it...not sure what to say or how to say it...what if i am blocked again...what if..what if he texts and says he doesn't want me...

I do not want to open pandoras box of pain again...i cannot...i really do not think i can take it...can you die from a broken heart? if you can i think that would happen to me...

my life is a mess....i need him, i want him, but scared so scared...

should i take a chance, send a text, hope for the best fear the worst? should i remain numb and cold and shut down?

i hate him for doing this to me...i love him for unblocking me...i hate him for not texting first...i love him for all he is...

my life is a mess


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