kiddo16

NaivetY & ChildhooD LefT BehinD
2013-02-02 00:37:15 (UTC)

That bad dream

Yesterday... I had a bad dream. It was scary.. at least for me. Not exactly those dreams where people hunt you but more so one day I was able to see my worst fears in that dream. In reality, all my worst fears... I'll try to run away as far as possible. Denying it when I could or simply shrug it off as something I'm sensitive about. However, in that dream I was forced to face my worst fear. The fear of being left alone.. it still gives me the shivers when I think of it. In that dream, I saw myself back to where I'm 15. I saw myself wearing my favorite school uniform. Sitting down while waiting for the school assembly starts. As I were sitting down, came those girls I used to know back from school. These girls in reality, there are totally nice girls. Back to those times, it might be that my personality don't suit their fun ways. They would have fun without me but will talk to me with utmost respect. So I don't think that I'm blaming them in my dream. Instead it's more of that kind of feeling that I'm afraid to face with. I thought when I was younger, I could enjoy the same kind of feeling when I grew older. But I realize that it will never come back. Those kind of feelings are reserved for those times. The feeling of innocence belongingness. I guess people won't be able to understand what I mean but that's the closest description I could find. In that dream, those girls were having fun and talking carefreely among themselves. They were talking, giggling and laughing at the same time. The whole lot of them... instead I saw myself sitting at the front, endlessly turning my back... overlooking at their carefreeness. And then there was that smile curving on my face. I saw it then that it was a mixed of enviness, sadness and longing to be belong. Throughout the whole scene, the only effort I did was just to give that smile... never once did I stepped out and break away from that smile to try to step into their world. The girls was oblivious throughout my presence there... though there were a few times that some of them would caught me looking at them and gave me that courtesy smile. What should I say? That's the biggest fear that came back to me in a form of a dream... somehow it's like I am forced to face up with that coward part of myself. I don't know how this is applicable to everything in my life right now. But I guess it seems like after waking up from that dream... it felt like I'm desperate to get back that moment and instead do something about it. I really felt like telling myself I should just seize the moment instead of standing by like an idiot. I really hate to see myself like that. I really hate that part of myself. Maybe I'm still like that? Dada, why aren't you able to confront your biggest fear? Till when would you allow cowardice to conquer your life.. to swallow you down and then, living in regrets like this. I'm extremely pissed off with myself.




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