hopelessly bored

trial and error
2013-01-29 14:30:23 (UTC)

fucking unbelievable

i am so done.

i'm done trying to make him be a man when clearly he has no desire to.

i'm done even attempting to get his support because its the right thing to do...

i'm just going to keep my fucking mouth shut until the glorious day finally comes that i can pack my shit and leave, and take our daughter with me.

and if he doesn't see it coming, boo hoo for him. i dont fucking care anymore, just as he doesn't really fucking care what kind of life he provides for his family.

i am GOING to make a future for my child. and if his idea of good parenting is making just enough to have a roof over our heads with NOTHING else, while instead of attempting to make sure we're provided for he sits like a zombie in front of a video game or gets drunk with more fucking idiots, then he can be left behind in the mess of a life he's created for himself.

WHY did i ever think this would work out?

how could this ever have possibly been my dream life? to marry him, to have his children... how could i not foresee what would happen when i foolishly followed that path?

i have messed up, this time worse than ever. and now it affects not only me, but my innocent child as well. she deserves a better father. and that is the reason that i know i can't live like this much longer.

so here's my plan. i'm going to keep my fucking mouth shut and let him do what he wants to, until a few months down the road when i feel secure enough with my daughter to put her in daycare. i'm going to get a job, and then move the fuck out and take her with, and i'm going hit him hard for child support. and if he dares bring any of his filth around my child, it will NOT be pretty. i absolutely will not allow her to grow up like that. he wants to treat me like shit and always put himself first? fine. but he's not bringing that miserable life to my child. none of these bummy fucks who are his friends will ever be in MY house with MY child. and if he thinks they will, he's fucking funny. i cant stop him from playing his game like a full time job but i can remove myself and our child from the house, because she deserves to grow up in a house where her parents actually pay attention to her and value her more than a stupid fucking game.

god dammit when i think about how childish he is, i really feel like i am starting to hate him.

but, i don't. i love him. and this is hard for me. the ONLY reason it is even going to be possible is that i know its best for my daughter.. and given that it is my responsibility to make sure she is given the best life i can provide, i know that i HAVE to do better than this loser.

what the fuck did he think? that he could be young forever? that i could go on maternity leave, cutting our income nearly in half, and he could still somehow fucking find money to buy weed? that he can bring his fucking deadbeat basement dwelling friends into a life where they don't belong?

no. no. not my life. and definitely not my child's life.

and the thing is, he has no idea. how the fuck not? how could he not see my resentment building, everytime he chose himself over me and the baby?

well, thats life you fuck. you've had enough chances. now all i need is for him to actually provide for his daughter for just a few more months, until i can do it by my fucking self because i dont need ANYONE and especially not him.




Ad: