LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2013-01-28 20:26:15 (UTC)

Waiting


"Stay Together For The Kids" by Blink-182

I'm waiting. I'm waiting, where are you? Where are you?

You should be here. You should've taken me away. I left you a message, I left you several. I'm waiting

I'mwaitingimwaitingimwaitingimwaiting

But please come soon.

There is this weird feeling in my stomach.

I wish I could see the future, see what my world would be like. Would that be enough motivation to live? Because at the moment, I am the barrier between myself and death.

Is that confusing or what? YOu'd think I'm not suicidal because I don't want to die, but it's hard to explain...

I do. I want to disappear. Cease in existence. Poof. But at the same time, I am clawing at the surface, "GET ME OUT OF HERE" because I'm waiting for you.

I'm waiting for you and for the future, you said you would be here. I swore you said so.... You did didn't you? Or maybe I imagined that. After all, I imagined today was a great day, and even though it had already happened, the memories shifted and voila, perfect day.

I'm waiting for you.


I was thinking, yesterday. Thinking, "wow, I really want to kill myself"

But faces flashed before my eyes, and then you flashed before my mind and there is something in my mind... Like a warning light, flashing but it can't tell me what's wrong and what it had to do with you.

You and your face. I'm waiting here, in the room with the purple carpet and teal walls and loft bed, I wait for you in here, and I'm just holding on until you come.

My mother is right, I am bored with life.

But there is nothing in this place that can fix that and make it better... See, the only thing that could make me happy is something unreachable.

Why did people have to fill me with cynascism, and reality, since I was little?

How come I never got to be a kid? They treated me like adults, and as much as I love them for it, I never really knew what it was like to believe in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, what it was like to hate school because you had to do work, or what it was like to simply have faith.

I was always taught faith is a disease, which it can be, but.... Still, it embodies hope. And trust. And I didn't have that. No hope for an afterlife, no trust in a god.

I've never had faith.

But I am having faith in you, but it's so painful and I'm still waiting. I'm waiting. You are real, not god. You can't hear me, but I yell to you every day, I look at the sky and squint like you might fall out of an airplane or something. I wait. I wait.

I'm waiting, but fuck, its getting hard.

I wonder if I'll be alive in a few years and if the memories of this year and the year before will just be another untouchable fact.

We'll never talk about it.

Just like what happened before I left for California, what went on then. We never talked about it, though I didn't mind at all.


I'm waiting for you, so please don't forget that.


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