LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
Ad 2:
2013-01-26 22:14:55 (UTC)

This Is Wierd

"I'm Ready, I Am" by The Format

I made a deal with Aaron, for every entry she makes, I make one. So this is my second, but I still owe another, I think.

If you haven't noticed, I stopped doing my regular thing: Date, Time, Day, and a Song. I did the song and that's it.

I don't know. I used to love being consistent. I kind of lost all desire to be anything, including dead, including alive.

I just am. I just am, and I don't really know what to do if I'm existing right now, but not in the future.

This makes me sad. This really makes me sad. Looking at myself in the mirror makes me sad. Looking at my arms makes me sad. Looking at my stomach makes me sad, and makes me realize what has to happen.

And also, I must have been wrong about cutting not controlling me. It doesn't invade my every thought when I get sad but...

Just think about this. I hate the scars. Hate them. Want them to not exist. Yet, what do I do? I see if I can cut deeper. I do it anyway because the blood is addicting and I hate the scars so much.

I hate me so much.

I keep imagining my funeral. The sad truth is, I will never be anything. My struggles will amount to nothing.

But if I die young, I become a story. Like you know that song, "If I Die Young", the Band Perry?

Parents bury their baby. All the hope lost. The knife cuts it short, but thats what I want, unlike the girl in that song. That way I will be remember, if only for a couple years. Time goes by and people forget.

I will forget.

I won't have to live this dreaded, predictable life. The work, the kids, the husband, the suburbs, the loss of enjoyment.

Life goes so slow, but it went so fast. And I can't breathe.

In the moment, it goes by, too quickly. Or too slowly, take your pick. Looking back, it was so slow, it was fast.

Sucks I can't kill myself, can't be the memory I wish to be. So I suppose I really just... Am. I exist. This is it. I can go with it or release.

Unfortunately, I have plenty of time to kill myself, but once I go, theres no coming back.

I wonder if thats what life is about.

Should you live it through or cut it short, cancel the program? Hey, we didn't ask for this.
Alright I am in one of my crazy moods, if you couldn't tell....

I really think I have a mental disorder. It is all starting to grow and to blow up anger and shivers and blood.

Crazy Moods. Wonder if there's a diagnosis for that. Mood swings, right. Severe mood swings.


Ad:0
Digital Ocean
Providing developers and businesses with a reliable, easy-to-use cloud computing platform of virtual servers (Droplets), object storage ( Spaces), and more.