I have a meeting with my wife tonight; basically she says she is moving out with the kids in summer. She sent me a text about it and we are now going to have a sit down. How do I feel? Scared, angry, annoyed, guilty, worried, lonely, anxious ….the list goes on.
I was low, very low, but I have picked myself up, I have to. But I am so confused mainly because how I still feel. I know she is only calling this meeting because she want to sort out who will be paying for what, she will be at her cold manipulating best. The fact of the matter is that I am maxed out financially, paying for my debt and household bills, so for me it is very simple, I cannot afford any more payments. I wait for what she has to say.
I am caught in 2 minds….do I play her game as well and be cold and calculating and look out for number 1 or do I follow my heart and try and make life easier for the woman I still love?
I have come to reconcile her actions. She is simply hurt beyond what she can control, so I have to understand that and this makes the meeting very awkward for me. Should I still apologise and say how sorry I am and how much I want us to be together? I know what her response would be, she would throw it back at me, the same way she has done for the past 1 year and I end up hurt, so what is the point in me doing that? Well, that is how I feel, I can’t deny how I feel, I can ignore it but I can’t deny it.
I feel I am made of many parts….one part wants to dwell with Jesus and know him more and more each day….another part has this lustful desires I struggle sometimes to contain…..but I think I have a solution….I miss love…I want love….I want to share my life (of Jesus) and my lustful desires with the person I love…..