idealist_me

After the Apocalypse
2013-01-19 17:22:06 (UTC)

The time signature this website provides isn't even accurate.

Urg. I'm sitting at home alone. It's a gloomy Saturday. It was snowing earlier, but now it's stopped.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I want to go get my passport renewed (when I find it). And then... I want to just jet off to another country.. and not come back for a while. This seems unrealistic. However, if I found some kind of organization or like.. a hospital I could weirdly intern/volunteer with for free and just learn from people... I think that would be awesome.
My roommate is thinking of going with the old guy again. She got offered a two year round trip around the world for free! It's weird. Part of me before was so set against that happening and her being with him. Now she's with this other french man. And he's cool. I don't know if I'm trying to sabotage her... or... if it's indeed from a purely objective standpoint at which I can offer her advice. Honestly, the trip around the world seems bloody tempting to me. I don't know if I should tell her that. I don't know if I'd tell her because I actually think that or if I just don't want her and frenchman to be together. I think I want them to be together because she's happy and it is a positive in our lives. ... but then something else just feels off. I don't know what it is. I can't explain it.
I was watching How I Met Your Mother today (I'm still catching up, only on the third season). And they talked about how "friendship is a reflex". It's not something you really decide and then can just drawback. And that had never struck me before.
It's recently been pointed out to me that I'm too logical. Actually, it was funny, Curly-hair on the NYC trip pointed out how she doesn't understand how my roommate and I are best friends. My roommate is waaaayyy too extreme with everything she does. She doesn't halfass anything. She throws herself into every relationship she gets into (maybe that's why she doesn't get into many... there wouldn't be many parts of her left). Me on the other hand.. I think before I do anything. which is why.. I don't do many things.. but I am starting to learn to live a bit more since after the apocalypse. Oh the cabin. That fateful fateful evening. What the fuck. I feel like that pretty much turned my world upside down in the most mundane and matter of fact way possible. holy shit.
Anyways.. normally... I'm like an instruction manual (even though I am scatterbrained and creative too) but I do A B C D and so on. I like order. I like control. I don't like getting too invested in anything for fear that it will fail. i know I inherently need to get over this.. or else... I'll live a shitty life. I mean.. how can you not fully invest in life? ... maybe not a shitty life. My life is pretty good now, and I'm generally very happy. It's just sometimes I get lost in my mind. And it's not like you can ever separate yourself fully from your mind. Or maybe you can.. and that's what I need to learn how to do.
I did for a while. That whole Cat thing. (And yes I'm trying to avoid using names throughout this). The Cat... well.. he's just a cat. Bats you when he wants to play.. otherwise he'll just be hanging around his place.. and I'm not too sure what this Cat does. He works..ish. HOW THE FUCK DID I GET INVOLVED? this is just so amusing to me. like really.

another thing: how can sending an email cause so much irrational terror? I'm a fucking dumbass. I was getting all worked up about my honours thesis.. when in reality.. all I had to do was send a gosh darn email to my thesis supervisor simply giving her a response that I already knew. what the hell! WHAT THE HELL.
I think I need to be medicated. I don't actually. I don't know what I need. Maybe I have schizophrenia? But I still make sense to people! Maybe I'm just tripping out about that stuff because it reminds me so much of that recent episode of the Good Wife where Elsbeth Tasscioni failed her psych evaluation. Elsbeth talks like me! I talk like Elsbeth. It was so sad to know she's.. mentally ill. .. or likely mentally ill. So many people love her. And she does great work. I think it's great the show is depicting that kind of reality. Mental illness is stigmatized all around. In Hollywood, they depict them as the crazy serial killers. Never really... people. People with mental illness are people. They're not the "crazies". They're not... different or off of "normal" than how any other of us deviate from normality. Normal is a setting on the dryer. Or.. in academic terms.. it's the standard deviation of all the variations out there. It's the average of the actions. No one is average in everything. We all have our peculiarities. And here.. this is where I feel connected with humanity when I remind myself of these things. We're all flawed. When you realize that.. life doesn't seem so bad.
I do admit though... I see our lovely ladybug bong on the window sill.. and I really. Really. Really... want to..... smoke. fuck. Fuck me. I think I should actually go to the grocery store and buy shit and know that I won't be eating a bazillion carbs. That's honestly the only thing that bothers me about smoking pot.. the damn munchies.




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