January 17, 2013 Thursday 8:30 PM
"Heavy In Your Arms" by Florence and the Machine
While the my brain cavity feels unusually empty and light, my face feels heavy, almost enough to be peeling from the bones, slowly sliding off with a trail of blood.
I blink, but it feels like I am underwater. Everything is in slow motion and I am floating but also falling.
How is this possible?
It's like my mind vacated my head to go find itself, and here I am, useless.
The inspiration and motivation just seeps from my very pores and coats me like sweat, and before long, that layer is buried and gone and I am nothing.
I feel nothing.
It's not exactly a numbness. Because occasionally, a tsunami of tears and despair comes rushing towards me to drown me out.
Even breathing feels different. I feel lopsided. There are random aches and pains all over my body. A sharp jab in my lower right back, and another right along my spine. My fingers pulse with pain and I'm so cold... I'm so cold for no reason.
So much stress. And I know the signs.
I read it in a magazine once. An article titled, "ARE YOU DEPRESSED?"
1. Do you think about the day ahead of you and lose the will to get up and face the world?
2. Do you have aches and pains?
3. Are you constantly tired? Do you lack motivation to do things?
4. Do you find yourself not caring about things you used to love?
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
And now my neck hurts, as well.
I feel so heavy.... Like I could literally fall into my dreams. but I crawl into bed only to toss and turn for an hour... Unable to think. Unable to do.
This is a nightmare. And they wonder why I try to sleep as much as I can... And why I watch so many television shows.
Don't you understand? It's all a distraction. Everything is a distraction.
Just to get me away from this. Oh please, not this.
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