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2013-01-16 11:45:26 (UTC)

Such A Waste

January 16, 2013 11:45 AM Wednesday

"I Can Lift A Car" by Walk The Moon

Today is a snow day, thank goodness for that, because we were supposed to have our foreign language midterms today. And I do not do well in Spanish. That's a bit funny (not in a ha-ha way) because I grew up speaking spanish... It's the spelling that gets to me. I fucking hate conjugation of AR verbs or whatever.

Snow days used to happen when we had blizzards, and right now, we only have like five inches of snow. And its barely even snowing anymore. We haven't had a blizzard or ice storm in a couple years and I miss that. There's something exciting about walking outside unable to see ten feet in front of you.

Maybe that's just me.

So today, I decided that I am going to stop cutting my wrists because I remember I used to be so proud... I had such clean wrists, they looked so nice and even-toned. Now... Well.

Gosh, I am going to miss wrists.... Okay, i change my mind, I'll keep cutting there. Right now, I have an urge to cut just to... I don't know, as an insult to my therapist. She's a nice lady... I just don't like her.

And I don't want her knowing these things about me.

God, I don't even want therapy. I should've known, therapy means no cutting, and I hate feeling like they have control over that. Cutting is something I do, to make me feel not-helpless, and I just can't stand them telling me... I have to stop.

If I want to stop, I will.

It's not like I am that bad. I cut once a week at the most, lately.

Still, such a waste of a perfectly clean wrist :)

And if I think of HER (miss therapy lady) when going to cut, as she told me to, it will not make me stop, only make me press harder.

Now, I'm sure she wouldn't like that... Mwahahah >:) Too fucking bad.

I was with her yesterday and I almost forgot I was at therapy like a fucking crazy person until she was all like, "Show me your cuts"

I refused. Over and over again. She asked me like four times. Doesn't she know when to stop? I really don't want anyone to see. These are my scars and I don't like them. And I don't like her.

I wonder if I act okay for a couple months if my parents will let me stop seeing her.

I really don't like her. I'd rather stay home and do homework.

She makes me feel violated.

I hate that feeling.

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