Tug of War
My wife was sick the other day. So ill that she had to call the ambulance to take her to the hospital. As you will have it, on that day I was so busy at work (it was about 8pm) and I had promised my boss I would finish some tasks. I had to leave all that and join her in the hospital. It was a very cold night. We were there for a while in a small room by ourselves until the early hours. She had some tests and was given some medicine. That seem to have changed the dynamics of our relationship a bit as she is more talkative to me and the atmosphere in the house is much calmer. My problem is that I am not a light bulb I can just switch off and on. My emotions are so away from her at this point, and the reason for that is mainly because I am preparing myself for what looked like the likely outcome a divorce. So right now I find myself struggling to be forward thinking and be positive towards our relationship. The deep love for her I have I don’t know where it is. I couldn’t have gotten rid of it could I? Maybe I have found a place to park it but I don’t know where. I am not motivated at all to rekindle anything with her. I keep on telling myself it is the best thing for me. I know this is my place but I am struggling. Normally I go with my instincts, how I feel, then things are easy to do and say. Now it is so difficult to even sit down and talk to her. Talk to her about what? May be it is my hurt, may be it is my pride or may be it is just fear of rejection all over again. Strange isn’t it that I feel hurt. I am the one that was not faithful, I was the one with all the financial and gambling problems. So why am I hurt, why am I angry? I ask myself and try to find answers. I am not sure. Probably because I know deep down how I feel about my home and what I have put into my home in the last 13 years or so. May be because I also think she should know the same things, that is, what I have put in. Yet at the height of our crisis she portrayed me as a monster, an irresponsible gambling sex addict. May be because although I see why you may think so but not once did she acknowledge the things I did for so many years. I poured my life in to her and the children to make our home what it was. I understand she was hurt but I didn’t and probably still don’t understand the height she went to and how she did not acknowledge what I had done. I feel deeply hurt by that. That is the barrier I know I have to scale to engage her again. My fear is that I want so much from a relationship now. In the last 2 years that I have been mentally away from her I have come to know myself quite well and I have also probably changed. I demand so much from a relationship and want to give so much. When I think of my wife I am not very confident we can both reach those heights. So subconsciously may be I am thinking what is the point. But it is a tug of war…..I also think of my children, my responsibilities and my misdemeanours. I owe all of them including my wife to try my best to be a father and a husband.