The Anonymous Writer

The Journal With No Name
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2013-01-15 22:02:06 (UTC)

Apologies and Kill Lists

Dear Journal,

I want to start off with apologizing. I was an emotional wreck yesterday, and that's not the way I should be acting. Yes, I know this is a journal. Yes, I know I'm allowed to scream, yell, and cry into my writing. I just feel like you've became this person in my head, so you deserve an apology from me. People deserve apologies. Including you. Yes, I know this is crazy. Yes, I shouldn't be apologizing to a fucking journal, but you know what? Here I am doing it anyway.

Also, to the people who actually read that rachet mess: Sorry for all of the grammatical errors. When I reread that, I was pained to see my misspellings, my grammar errors, and sentences that just didn't even make much sense. So, thank you for reading that painfully, hormonal entry. That wasn't exactly my best day.

I've learned that every day gets better. Some days will be worse than others, but in the long run you'll see that life can't get anything but better. All you have to do to reach success is to work hard and persevere to what matters most to you--if you can't do that, then I'm sorry, but that just means you must not really care about reaching that goal.

And I've got goals in my own life I haven't reached yet. Today, I've began my journey to reach them. So thank you to the people who have messaged me, it was very kind of you. As for the people who read my journal and thought, "What a crazy bitch." Well, I guess I deserved that. I just want everybody to learn that you can get through anything, and if you do, then your life will truly be soaked in pure bliss.

So that's my wisdom and apologies for the day.

The kill list now? Ha. Well, that's a whole other story. You see, Esther wanted to play tennis today so I picked her up and we were on our way to the courts until-what do do you know-it starts to rain! So since the courts are 2 minutes away from my house, my dad just drove her to the house, and I made us hot chocolate and we talked. It ended up with the full 30 minutes or so about who she wanted to punch and who I wanted to kill. Yes, ladies and gentlemen I have a kill list. I'm not sick or mentally insane. I've always been violent in my mind, and quite frankly very paranoid. So, I just made a kill list. I'm not planning on acting on it! It's just something I did very quickly to get my anger out one day.

When I told Esther who was on it, she was shocked. First, she didn't realize how violent I really was. Second, she couldn't believe some of the people on the list. Third, she was upset I wouldn't tell her the last person, but most important person I'd kill on the list.

Now I'm not going to tell you who I wish to kill er pretend kill.... because then that would deal with a lot of new anonymous names (Ok, so not all of the names I use are anonymous, but still.) Also, that would deal with a lot of explanation and my reasoning. I'd rather just not get into it. However, I will be nice enough to share to you the last person I'd kill, but the most important person on that list.

Drum rolls please..... and that person was.... or is...... or something like that.... is me.
Yeah, you read that right. I mean, if I were to kill all of those people then I don't deserve to live. Also, I know I just told you that every day gets better, but there have been periods in my life (still are by the way) where I would be content with killing myself.

Sometimes I think that I'm a failure, and nobody really loves me the way a person should. Sometimes I wished that our world was different--no wars, every organism is created equal, etc. Sometimes I wish that I had the body of Selena Gomez or even a Victoria Secret model. Sometimes I even wished I looked like a model.

But life is just not like that! And that's okay. Everybody needs to learn to be okay with who they are. I'm just not there yet. I'm waiting to be. I hope one day I will be. Some people never get there...

I don't know if I'm contradicting myself in this journal entry, but I will tell you to not kill yourselves just because you think the world is teaming up against you. Please, don't dare to even do that. You may not believe it or want to hear it, but you do have a purpose. Sometimes the purpose comes to you like it does in movies or you just have to make one for yourself. And quite honestly 99% of this population has to make their own purpose.

Fucking god. I'm getting too deep. And I promise everybody I'd be done with this wisdom shit. So I guess this means...

Signing out,
Brooke Something

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