The Anonymous Writer

The Journal With No Name
2013-01-14 20:16:32 (UTC)

Everybody Wants To Have A Disorder

Dear Journal,

Always I've know that people want to be unique. They want to be somebody who stands out. Unfortunately this may start sick or even insane thoughts of wishing that they had some sort of disease, from ADHD to cancer. It's crazy, and you may not admit to yourself that you've come across those thoughts and even wished that you'd "catch" one of those diseases. Don't lie to yourself. I know I have.

Recently, life hasn't been going well. I've always been trying to diagnose myself with depression or ADHD or something that deals with concentration problems. It's a sickness on its own, I believe. And it needs to stop. People who wish to have diseases, including me, need to realize that they are lucky to not be the minority of people who have these diseases. These people with these diseases are struggling or may even wish that they were just a common person! Be thankful for what you have.

Yes, this is me rambling. Yes, this is related to what happened today. No, I don't want to talk about it. I'm just so angry, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't even want to look at myself, let alone have somebody even be in the same building as me.

UGHHHHHH!!! Screaming wouldn't even solve this problem. It's been a long process, this anger, and it needs to be over. I hate it! I hate it! I absolutely hate it! Is this what hormonal teenagers feel like? I mean, I'm definitely one of those... so I should be feeling it.

I just hate it. I want it to go away. I'm crying and angry all at the same time. I don't even want to talk to my friends. I hate my fat legs and my ability to not be phenomenal at anything. Yes, I'm complaining. I realize this. But I just really don't know what to do. I feel stuck and lonely and I can't consult any of my friends or family because I've already done that and look where I am now!

Good god. It's like an itch that you can't scratch. You know the ones on the roof of your mouth? If you scratch it, it only gets itchier so your forced to just let it ride out. It's probably one of the most frusterating things ever. Wow, I even spelled frusterating wrong. And there I did it again.

Sometimes I wished I just died. I really do. I haven't told anybody thought, but if the time came I wouldn't even flinch. I'm just another person in the over-populated world making 0 difference. I know that's insane to say, but it feels like it.

Funny thing is, I can't even cry about that. I'm not angry. I'm nothing. I'm even keel, yet a thousand emotions are buzzing through my brain because I know I should have some sort of emotion. I don't however. I don't!

I don't even know where I"m going with this. And I should be doing my fucking spanish project that's already fucking overdue, yet I don't know how to fucking do perfect past tense or whatever the fuck it is because I always lose my fucking concentration and I fucking just can't do it. Why the fuck am I feeling better my saying fuck? It's fucking awesome! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK life.

Okay, now it's getting old. And so is this. Journal, can you please talk to karma and help a friend out? I really need it, I'm at a breaking point here. I don't know how much longer I have until I'm going to lash out so badly that I don't think I'll ever be able to fix it. Please.

Signing out,
Brooke fucking Something

P.S. I always thought I had ADHD. I don't. I know I don't. Thought I should mention that.




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