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2013-01-09 19:38:15 (UTC)

Excited and Nervous

January 9, 2013 Wednesday 7:40 PM

"Stranger Things" by Local Natives

Tomorrow is my first therapy session. And as it turns out, Lily's first session, too.

I'm a bit peeved, because her parents only started looking for therapy a week ago while my mom made the appointment in November. What is that? Why did she get a date much closer and much faster than I did?

I guess I don't care, though.

It's funny, because both of our doctors are men. We might have the same one, but we're not sure. My appointment is at noon and Lily's is at three thirty.

I'm so nervous. Today, Gillian asked me if I was going to the doctors tomorrow. I said yes. She asked if I was excited. I said no. She asked why. I told her about the episode of skins where Effy's therapist tries to make her crazier and later he murders her boyfriend with a baseball bat.

Not that I think that is going to happen. I was just making a point; I'm more afraid than OMG YAY FINALLY. You know?

I know omg-yay-finally isn't an emotion but eh. Relief. Whatever. I don't feel any of that. I feel like I'm going to be secretly judged or humiliated.

I think i'd rather stay in school.

I'm not done with the project, yet. No one has given me pictures of themselves, which is mandatory for it!!!

My life just feel really horrible right now. Not in the kind of way where everything is going wrong, but more like nothing is getting better, and it seems to be going down the drain little by little, weighed down by my guilty.

My heart feels heavy in my chest. But it is nothing compared to the fat slabs hanging limply from my ribs.

I just want to run... I think i will.