Terri

My thoughts not theirs
2013-01-08 20:10:27 (UTC)

i dont wanna feel like this..

I told him I didn't want him to be my friend and he asked me why? I told him that I wanted to move on and I couldn't do that if I was his friend I told him that I didn't like feeling this way.. He flipped at me and told me to leave him alone so I said bye.. Yeah that's what I was trying to do.. I want to move... I needed to move on but that doesn't mean I wanted to, well not completely anyway.. The next day I cut myself on my stomach again with a razor, several times.. I couldn't help it.. It was like a nagging in my mind telling me to do it.. I couldn't control the urge.. I thought it was getting better after he spoke to me when he found out about the self harming.. I hadn't done it since, that was until yesterday.. Most of me knows that moving on is what's best for me. I can't keep holding on to him if it was only going to end in me being hurt.. I miss him.. A lot. He was the reason I hadn't self harmed since just after he found out.. It used to be a daily occurence until then.. And it stopped suddenly and I wasn't even forcing myself to stop.. I just never had the urge again.. Until now.. But this time its different.. Before it was an urge to do it a little bit.. But I can't control it now... He was my rock but sooner or later I had to learn to be my own rock.. You can't trust anyone completely.. Even him I didn't trust completely but he knew more than anyone else. I have no one else to be there for me... Before I didn't think I could handle any of it anymore but now I know that its a pointless fight.. What exactly can I do? I can't stay in love with my rock when we both know that the ending of our story is going to be horrendous.. I don't know how I'm supposed to survive without him when he was supposed to be my knight.. I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel anymore!! I feel numb!! I want to be free from all this!! I can't take it!! Please some one help me!!!




Ad: