shithappens

Ashley
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2013-01-08 00:40:56 (UTC)

I hate my life

The title says it all. I HATE MY LIFE. Nothing ever goes my way. NObody likes me for who I am. I try so hard all the time. I've tried changing, but that doesn't help either. All I want is for someone to love me and care for me. Anyone. I remember a day in the sixth grade, I decided that I want to die. I can't bring myself to do it. I'm a coward, I can't even end my own miserable life. There are so many ways to do it. At first I told myself, that I was just afraid of pain. Which I was, but there are ways of killing yourself that won't inflict pain. Like over-dosing. That's pretty easy since there's a whole cabinet of prescription medications I could steal right in my own house. What house doesn't have any medicine? I had a major back surgery, for scoliosis. Everyday, I wonder why God didn't end my misery, but letting me die in operation. EVERYDAY. I wonder why I can't end my own pain.

I don't know what to do with my life. No one cares. The sad part, is that my own family doesn't care. They're out to get me. What did I do to deserve this?

I can't remember the last time I smiled because I meant it. "Smiles are like band-aids. They cover up the pain, but it still hurts." I smile to disguise my pain. Showing my pain doesn't help me get sympathy, so why show it? Like I said before. NO one cares.
~But recently, there has been this guy I've been hanging out with. I like him a lot. I hope he does not break my heart. If my heart cracks anymore, it will shatter. We're both in high school. The only problem is I know that he will break my heart. He is in a higher grade than me. Meaning, he will graduate and leave for college. I will remain stuck where I am. He'll move on and forget about me. I don't even know if he likes me yet. He is like my best friend now, though I wish we we're more than friends.

WHY IS MY LIFE SCREWED UP AND MISERABLE? Why couldn't God choose someone else to torture? He should've picked someone stronger than me.




Ashley


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