LustingforNightmares

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2013-01-07 14:58:05 (UTC)

Crush

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JANUARY 7, 2012 MONDAY 2:59 PM

"Something" by Escape the Fate

[Skip until you see the ~squigglies to see why the title of this entry is Crush because I'm about to rant here, guys, sorry]

Today, I was absent, but again, no urges to cut. I realize that when I do cut, I do it a lot at once. Like all over my body for a month straight, and then I stop without wanting to do it for another month.

Not an addiction... I insist, once again. We all know, not an addiction, you have said it a bajillion times already! I dunno.

I woke up around nine, ate the breakfast my dad gave me. Then he left for work as the leftovers of my twelve hour migraine/nausea were fading away. I watched skins... the fifth season. So Freddie is dead. Bahaha. :(

I'm not wearing a bra. Unf. I know, random and TMI, but goodness.... I love not wearing a bra. And not caring. But then again, there is very little I care about...

For the past two days, I have been doing an art project, hysterically, bitterly, awesomely. I can't tell you what it is yet because Aaron reads this diary and it's a surprise, but as I was painting, I looked at my wrist, and spur-of-the-moment, I painted three X's on scars and then painted the words: SAVE IT.

Save what? I don't know. I've been doing that a lot lately, though. Doing things with out thinking. it feels good.

Like yesterday, during my migraine, my mom gave me two pills and a glass of water (the pills didn't even make me pukey!! I'm so proud of myself) and after I swallowed the ibuprofens, I dumped the water on my head. My mom went, "Ayy, pobre chica, oh no, my poor baby!" But it felt good.

I then proceeded to chug straight from out Brita pitcher (I poured it straight into my mouth... and all over my pajamas).

I love being unpredictable. I really do.

It makes me feel alive. Original. Brand new. It makes me feel like I'm running far away from the now, the past, and straight into the future where everything will be better... or worse.

It will be everything I wished for or everything I wished it wouldn't be.

I'm so. Fucking. Happy with life, right now. Therapy on Thursday, and already I'm becoming myself again.

Energetic, ambitious, me. The person I was before depression.

But still.... I'm so happy is worries me, because I know its tainted with something else. As I was painting today, I was rushing around finding everything I needed for the project, I was running everywhere and crying at the same time.

It was just like my anxiety attacks except for the fact that 1) I had no reason and 2) I was running instead of in the fetal position.


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Oh. But time for the title, right? Crush. *Gasp*

Is Veronica finally in like with someone? Omfg, no way! Yeah, seriously though, no way.

It's not me. Someone apparently has a crush on me, this romanian kid called Georgian. I know him, but we're not friends.

I honestly doubt he likes me, but let me get to the point, okay?

I can see how he would think he knows me. We share the same tech class, and when I walk from it to History which I also share with him, I'm usually with Lily, laughing and being silly. Also, I have helped him out before with problems and stuff. We've had limited contact, is what I'm saying.

(He doesn't believe gay people should be married though. So ugh. I just don't understand. What's wrong with gay people being married? Idfk.)

Like Sam in Perks of Being A Wallflower, I don't want to be anyone's crush. Sure, it's flattering, but when you crush on me, you are crushing on your idea of me.

Not who I really am. And then you'll be disappointed and disgusted by my actual personality.

I want someone to /love/ me for who I am, as cheesy as that sounds. Okay, maybe not that cheesy. Still, cliche. But really, I want to love and be loved by someone who really knows me.

Not someone who watched me from afar.

I didn't really like Georgian, but if he wants to be friends, I'm willing.

I'm not shallow. I can't be shallow, I'm so ugly, I don't really have a fucking choice.

Alright, I'll go now.


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