LustingforNightmares

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2013-01-03 23:36:06 (UTC)

Can I See Your Arm?


January 3, 2012 Thursday 11:36 PM

[Just one more week until appointment!]

"Crooked Teeth" by Death Cab For Cutie


"Can I see your arm?" He said, and it was pretty much my worst nightmare.

No, seriously. I had nightmares about them finding out and I always ended up killing myself from the weird feeling. It's like a cross between guilt, embarrassment, and defensiveness.

A pain in your chest.

So when it came, it was familiar.

Of course, like the snot I am, I snapped, "No."

And he said, "Why not?"

I went, "Because."

I know. Great argument. But I couldn't. First of all, people judge if you are

A) a douchebag faker emo chick
or a
B) Genuinely suicidal girl

on how deep your cuts are, and I'm sure my dad is no exception.

I don't cut extremely deep, but they aren't teeny scratches, either. They left scars. And those scars are lasting.

Anyhow, I have no cuts on my arm, just SCARS, and I wasn't about to watch his face as he saw the darkened (or lightened. I can't tell what color they are.) and slightly raised skin on my arm...

I hate just thinking about it.

Talking about it.

He's so damn awkwardly curious. And he doesn't even seem remorseful or sad, like my mom. It doesn't matter, its better if he isn't. But I don't need him poking around.

His voice gets just like it does when he talks about boys. One time, he saw this drawing that was admittedly really good compared to what I usually draw... And it was a drawing of a boy.

Guy.

Dude. Thing.

He started going, "OOO is this your boooyyfrienndddd?" Really long, high pitched words, all curious and what he probably thought sounded like carefree.

I felt kind of mortified, but I replied, "No, dad, I just made him up."

The sad part is its true. He is my boyfriend in my imagination :( Wah.
I draw more girls than boys, though. I wonder if that means that they're my dream girlfriends? Some of them are, haha. I'm very comfortable with sexuality.

So yeah, my dad said, "Suuuuree you did" very sarcastically and left the room.

Anyway, I know this was kind of pointless, but it's something, ay?

Did I just... I said... What... Ay? I said *ay*?

Okay.

I'm done.


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