"Bloodstream" by Stateless
My friend Aaron just wrote an entry in her diary about friends not telling her anything. I write in my diary. That is something huge.
I told her I cut. Another large step for me. I remember one time I tried to tell her Ethan found out but she more interested in her tumblr.
Please don't say I don't tell you anything. I don't tell anyone anything, not anymore. Not unless I choose to, and the last person I chose to confide in was Marina, and she did the same to me.
I also know how it feels to want a best friend. Not just your closest friend, but someone who will always be there for you and someone you can always be there for.
For me, for years, it was Lily. And then I think Aaron at some point. And then Marina. And then since two years ago... No one.
So yeah, I've had the same wish, one I don't usually express on here because I figure you guys couldn't care less. I mean, I stopped wishing for this and I stopped crying in my room, praying to be a demigod or wizard.
Because its easier to cut and to not think.
And its easier to hurt people around you, including yourself, to take your mind of impossible dreams.
The best friend you and I want doesn't exist.
And will never exist.
Trust me, I have waited.
A best friend I guess is the best of your friends. Or so you would think. But I believe a best friend has to have a little more than that.
I don't believe in best friends.
Like some people don't believe in true love. I believe that being alone and thinking about it is the closest you will get to that person you want to exist.
Things are relatively normal. I was taking a shower, and I was scared. Scared because I'm not like other cutters... i really don't need to do it. At all.
I haven't had more than one craving to do it, so I guess I was right: for me, it isn't an addiction.
My addiction is my weight.
My addiction is fear.
My addiction is being fucked up, fucking up other peoples nice lives, scaring them half to death.
I'm afraid to let that go.
So I guess Aaron is right.
I don't trust her. I don't trust anyone. Not even Marina. No one.
They don't know me.
I like doing exactly what they expect me not to do. Like whenever Marina would hold off on telling me something because she thought she knew how I would react (back in the old days, when we were closer) I always surprised her. Well, mostly.
I like doing that.
As much of a goody two shoes as I seem, I am really unpredictable.
I have all these plans and cryptic words and hints as to what I am going to do next. Then... Bam.
Marina and Lily won't be surprised.
And neither will you.
I very clearly sobbed that I wouldn't live past summer because I spend every summer alone.
And we all know what I do when I am alone...
I enjoy. How sick is that? How twisted? I like this. This horror.
But I still want to die.