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2013-01-02 19:11:42 (UTC)

Taste Of Cigarettes

January 2, 2012 Wednesday 7:12 PM

Happy birthday, dad. I'm sorry I ruined it with you... well, you know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it last night. I didn't think it through. I could've waited till the weekend...

I can't tell what's worse. Him trying to talk to me, or the fragile look on my mothers face.

I found myself not wanting to go home from school for the first time. I didn't want to face them. The guilt was seeping through.

And so, even though I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to talk to anyone either. I've been through a lot the past couple days and its not like I want to talk.

Okay? Okay. It's not about you. It's just me. Just me trying to figure things out, and it hasn't been going well.

I've kind of been avoiding Lily. Somewhat. I didn't want to talk to her at all today, but I did. I listened to music all morning and whatever time I could after that, like the bus ride home, which I spent alone and distant, wishing it could last forever.

And I believe that whatever Lily was texting Bailey the other night made her possibly hate me more than I suspect she did (I'm annoying as fuck) and maybe I'm just paranoid... But no. I'm sure she dislikes me, now. I'm pretty sure Lily was texting her about me talking with Marina... But now, I know. I know Marina.

And now... I don't think its okay to be mean to her. I don't think its okay to give up. I can understand why bailey hates her - Marina can seem like the biggest bitch.

But the thing is... People can be misjudged. Like you can think I'm nice but I'm not.

I"m evil.

So I deserve it if Lily's and mines friendship is over.

Ugh, got to go.

I got up early and smoked half my hidden cigarette. I cried in the shower relishing the smoky taste.

I don't know if I'm okay. I don't care.

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