Duskk

Dear Diary
2013-01-01 23:41:55 (UTC)

why isn't he texting me?

well New Years is finally over... i didn't really have as much fun as i have the last few years. i went over a friends house last night instead of staying with the family, they went to the church party that was 18 so i wouldn't have been able to go anyways. i think i would have rather just stayed home yesterday instead of my friends... it just wasn't the same and my head wasn't in the new years idea anyways. all i could think of was Jacob and how he wasn't texting me. literally, it's like he just stopped, we were talking and then all of a sudden he stopped talking literally, all night he didn't text or call me and he still hasn't. yes i know he's not going to text me 24/7 and i'm cool with that i'm not obsessed crazy over him i don't get like that with people. i've only texted him 5 times all together asking if he was there and that i missed him and then that was it. 5 is my limit no matter what and i'm sure as hell not calling him i'll feel like some crazy fuck stalker.
what i want to know is what happened, because for some reason i'm hurt. why am i hurt no idea because all he's done is not text me, but really all i think of when i think about that is Silvestre and how he did that to me with no explanation and he knows how much that hurt me because i felt dirty and used like a broken toy.
you know what i feel like right now? besides thrown away? a crazy obsessed stalker who wants to know where her boyfriend is ever second of the day and i don't like that. i hate those type of girls, so i guess that's another thing i hate about myself because i feel like one of them. i hope everything he's said to me is true because if it is he's looking at the moon too just like i am. he said whenever i miss him or we're apart for too long to look at the moon and he'll look at it too so we're never really apart. my God i feel so much better now. i havn't even looked at it yet but just remembering him saying that i feel comforted and better. want to know what i did when he said that? i sent him a picture of the moon, every night he tells me to look at the moon and says he's looking at it right now waiting for me to show up in his arms. i feel better now. lol i feel stupid for saying that and for saying lol ... but it's true i feel better, like he's still mine and i'm still his. Forever Together... that's what he sent me once in a picture, it's my signature now on my phone.
last night on new years my friend kept playing Ed Sheeran songs, he's me and my friends favorite i love him and his songs <3 but it didn't make me feel better last night it made me want to brake down and cry and curl up in a ball. wanna know why? because i wanted to be with Jacob and in his arms, i didn't want to kiss him i just wanted his touch, yes a kiss would have been amazing but i just wanted his touch at the time and for him to text me. i'm listening to Ed Sheeran now too :/ but i feel better now after thinking of the moon.
man writing really does help because i was feeling like shit and couldn't smile today... now i feel like i can bear the world today. it's sad though how i feel about this boy... just wait until i hurt him on accident then you'll really hear me saying sorry and completely hurt.




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