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2013-01-01 12:07:09 (UTC)

Self Destruct

12:07 PM

I wish I had never gone.

I wish I had never gone to Lily's for that party.

because now its going to get a million times worse.

I have a breakdown. A fucking breakdown where no one could fucking see me except for Marina and Lily. What the fuck, Veronica?

What am I doing.

What have I done.

Lily didn't say anything. Do anything. I trusted her and she sat there... Sat there. Just like everyone else. She sat there and didn't say a word, wouldn't even look at me. So I cried some more.

Believe it or not, Marina was actually the one who helped me. Because I think Marina knows what it feels like to not be.. normal. In the head.

She talked to me. Told me we were monsters.

And I cried.

And I beat myself up for crying.

What was Lily doing when I was screaming, trying to pull my hair out of my head? She was sitting there. Sitting there, not looking at me, staring into space while I was dying and all I wanted was for her to hug me or to tell me what was going on in her head so she wouldn't be like everyone else... Who wants to know my story but doesn't want to tell me theirs.

Do you know how that makes me feel?



And I was trying to uproot a clump of my hair, Marina was the one who stopped me and talked to me and smiled and Marina was the one who told me her secret.

And now that I know hers, I am okay with her knowing mine.... So I guess what really bothered me is if you know so much about me and... I guess I feel like you are in debt of me.

But Lily... I can't.

I thought..

I thought she would..


It ended up being Marina who made me feel okay.