I Live In My Head
What It's Like Living In Your Head
I'm so sad right now.. I'm always so very very sad. But I can't tell you why, because I myself do not know why. I just know something is constantly dragging me under to the point where it feels like I'm drowning in pain.
I have headaches every day, always in the evenings. My brain is always thinking, never giving me even a short break. If I'm not thinking about anything in particular, I'll start thinking about why I'm sad. Why do I feel lonely? Why don't I smile anymore?
I lock myself up in my room every day. I have had a week off of school and 95% of that time was spent in this room, on this bed, with this laptop on my lap. And then I complain about being lonely.
I live online and in my head. 'Reality' as far as I'm concerned is the internet. And, it is also fantasy. I read books constantly because I crave alternate realities. I crave to be anywhere but here, to be almost anyone but me.
No... I want to be a happy girl who is normal inside her head. A girl who doesn't always think to herself and isn't so afraid of the world.
My social anxiety is a pain. It prevents me from going anywhere alone and from talking to people on the phone or through the computer. I like to live my life through text.
I wonder if I am even able to call this a 'life'? I am living, but where, I do not know. You can ask anyone from school, or my parents, and they will tell you I am ok. Of course they would. I never talk about my feelings.
I simply do not know how to talk about my feelings. My feelings for the most part do not matter. I barely exist, so how I feel should be of importance to no one. Yet my online friends try to pull information out of me, to help me. And sometimes I want help, but sometimes I'm sinking in so much pain that I just want to be told to go hurt myself or kill myself to give me an excuse for the things which I do to my body.
Yes I have hurt myself. It is something that crosses my mind every day. But there is someone I promised to that I would stop hurting myself. And my best friend thinks I'm over it.
The truth of the matter is, I hate myself. I hate that I am so weak and that I do nothing because I am so scared to leave this place. I am sick of the pain in my head everyday and for the words which I write on this online diary. Everything I am, is worthless and really, my 'everything' is nothing. I am nothing.
But sometimes I do worry about myself. I have always been dependent on others. A thought that goes through my head often, is more of a plea. It is "Save me, someone, please. Save me from myself. I can't do this anymore." But of course, I can do it. I can continue to suffer and crying and inflict pain upon myself.
To be honest, despite how much I am fearful of being judged, I do not care for any harsh responses I may get to this diary. So what if I'm a loser and I am depressed for apparently no reason? What if I break my own skin because I can't handle anything? I never asked anyone to care. But the people that do care, I love. I love them all with my whole, somewhat withering, heart.
If you think I am disgusting for hurting myself then if you would be so kind as to not say anything about that I'd appreciate it. I already know the facts, I would rather not have them thrown in my face.
I'm not sure if this diary is going to help anything. But I do feel somewhat calmer now.
The main reason I am so sad today is because it is New Years Eve and all my online friends are out celebrating, thus leaving me here totally alone for the first time in a while. I am growing more used to being physically alone at almost all times, but to be stripped of all human contact leaves a dependent person like myself in a very bad place.
I'd like to say that I'm working on my dependency, social anxiety, and depression issues, but I am not. I'm just too defeated by everything at the moment to try. Maybe one day, things will be easier and I will begin to fight for my sense of being again. But until then, I will continue dragging my feet looking for hope.
Happy New Years Eve..