elikittygirl

In My Mind
2012-12-31 02:08:57 (UTC)

Day 3

It has been a few days since I have last written. The fighting between my now ex girlfriend and I has gotten to a point that I can't stand even trying to work things out. Nothing I ever do or give up is ever good enough. Now I can't talk to my friends (one of which she has a sort of relationship with) without her permission and presence. That is ridiculous. Everytime we split up I always gave in to her. I think that is why we started breaking up over and over because she knew she would get something else she wanted. Well I won't do it any more. I deserve better. I know I have problems with my sexuality and with sex in general. However, there are others like me, I just need to take the time to find someone like me. That will probably mean that I am going to be pretty lonely for awhile. I want to find that one person that I can be happy with for the rest of my life. I don't want to keep having people come in and out of my son's life. He deserves better. I want him to know he is loved by both of his parents. I want to find someone that understands that a relationship is team work, requires communication, sometimes has one person working and one person home, and are not going to be perfect. I know that I want someone that doesn't smoke as I want to be healthy and be with someone healthy. I want someone that eats healthy too.

I am going to bring my focus back to my family.Spend more tim with my son, read him bed time stories more and make sure he takes care of himself. I need to try and get my license finally so that I can be a bit more independent.

Right now I am sitting here as she complains more and more and more about me. She had told me after keeping me up all last night that she wanted to work things out. I figured that meant we were back together, but I told her she had to apologize for all the stuff she said about me that wasn't true and I wanted to hear her admit to her lies to the person she said them too. And everytime when we have split up she goes completely cold on my feelings except when she wants something. So she did that again. Our normal routine during dinner time is to eat and watch a show together with no interruptions. But she had my friend texing her the whole time the show was on like I shouldn't care because we technically were still broken up. I just think that if she really loved me and wanted to work things out then she would have chosen to put the phone down and spent time with me. I gave her an errand so she could spend about two hours without me or Owyn and she couldn't be bothered to take a little time with her friend to spend time with me. I shouldn't have to tell her to put the phone down when that has been the routine for us at dinner time. Is that not the common sense intelligent thing to assume.

Yesterday she yelled at me for not being intimate with her enough, again. I was intimate with her twice in less than a week. She keeps bringing up the 4 months we didn't do during that time. I can't change the past. I am putting forth an effort to change the here and now and she keeps bringing up the past.

I am so heart broken. Yes we had problems, but I love her so much. I really wanted to find some way to make things work. I have to accept that isn't possible. and that hurts. I was crying last night. I haven't shed actual tears in a very long time. I guess I will find a way through this.

Although, just to add on to all this. She is now saying she is going to move out and leave me stranded here when she knows I depend upon her. I am going to have to move my son in my room and get a roommate in the back bedroom until I find someone good for my family. I went through so much trouble the last time with roommates. I am not a happy camper.




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