The Anonymous Writer
The Journal With No Name
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Well That Was Fast...
I think this is record breaking. I can't believe how fast my life just completely changed. Can I open my bottle of happiness that I wished I stored or is that impossible?
You see, Shirley really likes this guy... I know surprising right? A girl likes a guy and that starts drama? Well, I assure you that there's a plot twist you'll least expect. Anyway, Shirley really likes this guy who's a Sophomore. He likes her back and they've been flirting off and on for the past 4 months. However there's a girl I play tennis with that's also a Sophomore named Dakota. She's dating that guy. (To make it easy let's just say Tyler for now on.)
So basically, Tyler is dating Dakota but is aiming to hook up with (aka kiss) Shirley. In which therefore would mean that Tyler is willing to cheat on Dakota for Shirley. And Shirley doesn't mind that one bit, which worries me.
I don't want her to do it. I really don't think that's morally right. And I'm fine with breaking a few morals every now and then, but anything close to cheating I'm against. So I'm sticking to that and telling her not to do it. And to have her especially not to do it at my house like she's planning on doing.
And this is where the plot twist comes in.. drum rolls please!!
I don't want my friends to go through anything I've went through. I've made that mistake before. It still eats me inside, but I've mostly gotten over it within 6 months. But that's 6 months too long. Remember that guy I mentioned in "Introduction?" Well, I had a thing with him as you may know. I had my first kiss with him on top of a playground. He carried me to the top of the playground and my first kiss with him was awful, but he told me he'd solve that problem. I fell for him the night I sneaked out of my house so he could take me out for dinner. He payed for the check even though I offered to pay half. I was head over heels for a guy that I really shouldn't have liked. He was a bad boy and way older than I am. Yet I saw the world in him. Then there came that heart-breaking day where he started dating another girl without my heads up. I was devastated. I didn't cry because I hate to cry. No, instead I was paralyzed. I didn't know what just happened. It was so unexpected. I didn't tell my friends until a week later. And they were confused too.
Then came a summer night where I invited him over to my house so we could hang out. He repaired things with me way beforehand realizing that I would probably not trust another guy again because he was well aware that he was my first everything. (Okay not everything you fucking perves.) Anyway he was being a gentleman about it so I decided that we could be friends. So yeah, I invited him over my house with Shirley's boy toy, Peeta. I mean Esther was there too. What could possibly happen?
Only everything happened.
He tried to kiss me. Constantly he attempted to get our lips to touch. I kept telling myself before I decided we could hang out AS FUCKING FRIENDS that he wouldn't pull something like that. And yet, he did and yet he was shitfaced. It just messed me up that night because I knew deep down that he still really liked me. Drunk people speak the truth more than the sober. Remember that.
Oh god, memories are pouring in. Maybe it may be longer than 6 months to get over this ghost.
That night we had a banana fight. I don't remember why we had bananas or who even threw the first one, but my god it was legendary. It took 3 bananas too totally trash my movie room. (It took hours to get it to look decent.) Ugh, I'm about to get really emotional here. But him and I were mostly fighting with each other. Oh, and we pretty much banana-fied Esther together too. But mostly it was just us. I don't even recall what anybody else was doing. Literally, it was just us two in that room. Or as it seemed like.
That's when I knew I was falling for him all over again. I don't mean for the cliche. It really just came out like that as I'm typing. I honestly was shaking from all of this tension between us. My stomach was churning. I felt the need to collapse into him. I wanted him to hold me tight and tell me everything was going to be okay. I wanted him to tell me in person that everything was officially over. I wanted assurance that I couldn't possibly fall for him again. All in all, I want him to perform the magic trick of making my love for him disappear. I really needed closure.
However he tried to kiss me. He told me his girlfriend wouldn't know. There was 2 points in time where we were alone that night and he told me this. He just didn't let up. I still didn't let him kiss me though. I used all of my willpower to not have him kiss me. I just couldn't do that to his girlfriend. (By the way, his girlfriend was in Italy while we had our thing. They went out when she returned. So no he never cheated on me.) At the end of the night all he got from me was a hug goodnight and me telling him that's he's way too drunk.
Only after that we got talking. We were texting every single second of the day. I guess he remembered that night perfectly. Unfortunately what started out to be repairing the relationship to just be friends turned out to be something more. So on one fateful summer night, my best friend of all, Noel was in town. He texted for me to hang and I told him I couldn't. It was my last night with Noel. I was perfectly happy with watching Mean Girls and so was she. So him and I fought, we made up, and I eventually dragged Noel to go walk to his house with me at 12 AM. He and I were going to meet halfway from our houses. Only what really happened is that he ended up having to walk all the way to my house and show me the way to his home. (Like I said, he can be a real gentleman.)
So he took me away to his castle. (Sorry for the cliche once again. It really wasn't a castle. His mom is pretty poor actually.) But anyway we got to hanging out. I kept telling myself that we were just friends, he was drunk that one banana filled night, and this night he wasn't, so nothing was going to happen! I figured we could even have a brother, sister kind of friendship. We were insanely close. I just had this one girly problem. I really, really liked the guy.
And we started cuddling on his bed watching television.
So I decided to talk about his relationship with his girlfriend. And it turns out he liked me so much better than her. Now I know you must be thinking, "What a dumb fuck you are. Of course he's going to say that!" But it's true! I swear it's true! In fact one time he cancelled his date with his girlfriend to just see me, but I decided an hour before we were going to hang out that I couldn't. I don't why I couldn't. I guess I was just afraid of what was going to happen. He even mentioned about breaking up with her. (Well, he mentioned doing that before we hanged out that night too.) But it all seemed too real to me then. Here I was, in another boy's home lying in his bed cuddling with him having the choice to break him up with his girlfriend.
So I did. I told him to do it. So he told me he'd do it the next day. That way he could do it in person as any good-hearted human would do.
Later that night we kissed. A lot. It was more passionate than ever. Yet he kissed me so tenderly in such fashion that he made me feel secure. That nothing bad was going to happen. He would fight all of the demons off for me if he had to.
And then we got drinking. I had about 8 shots. Now, I don't know if I'm classified as a heavy weight although he swears I should be classified as a light weight considering my height and weight, but I only felt buzzed. Or does 8 shots make you feel buzzed? Either way, I drank for him. It was really weird. Noel and I kept giving each other looks like we weren't sure what to do other than keep drinking. (Did I forget his friend came over that night? Oopsies.) Well, anyway, his friend and him were drinking. And Noel and I were drinking. Every shot lead to a clink of the shot glasses as a gesture of bottoms up and a clear, peach flavored liquid into our livers. I swear, I can still taste that peach flavor 'til this day.
Okay, I think I'm starting to have enough of talking about him. I'm just going to wrap this up and get to my point about Shirley.
He walked me home afterwards. Him and his friend brought their longboards and walked Noel and I home. Only, we were divided into groups. There was him and I up front and then 20 yards away there was Noel and his friend. He didn't longboard. He only carried it. I guess he was planning on to longboard the way back. Although that was a pretty awful idea because all of us were so buzzed. Besides that unnecessary detail, we talked. Oh and we kissed a lot more. That long walk was such an amazing thing to me. Something you'd read only in books or see in movies. In fact our entire relationship could be.
The last time we kissed he told me loved me.
Then I told him I loved him too.
Then Noel and I sneaked back home and stuffed bread in our mouths. We were starving and were worried about having a hangover. (You can tell we really are not big drinkers.) I told her that I'm so happy to have her as a friend and thanked her a million times over to putting up with his friend that night. (She didn't like him. Shirley already kissed him and she had a different guy in mind back in Pittsburgh.) She told me it really wasn't a problem and that we really did look cute together. I smiled at that. I still do, but now it just hurts when I smile.
I regretted every kissing that boy that one summer night. I regret telling him I loved him. I regretted everything about that night. That night shouldn't have ever happened. Yet, there was one picture for proof that it did. And it got around twitter and I got upset and I told him we were done.
And my regrets were the next day of that summer night. So journal, readers, and future self: Think before you do. Really, it'll save you so much time of horrific, day-to-day guilt. D
I ended up telling his girlfriend what happened. Or more like she came to me and I came clean. I should have been the one to tell her first, but I just couldn't bring myself to do that. I probably should of though. I feel horrible 'til this day about doing that. Even if it doesn't fully count as me cheating on somebody. But I did help the boy.
So this is why I don't want Shirley to go through with hanging with Tyler. It'd just be a huge mistake. I told her to wait, it's worth the wait and if he won't wait for her than he's just not worth it. She's so stubborn though. What makes it worse is the fact that Esther is supporting her because she knows that Shirley will just carry on anyway. Esther and I fought, Shirley and I fought, and deep down I even fought with myself.
It's just so hard to see your friend about to pull the same shit you did. I feel absolutely stuck. What am I supposed to do?
P.S. I know you won't care, but I'd like to add this for myself when I reread this entry.... that he tried to text me months after I ended things. I told him he was stupid and to stop texting me. SO months after he tried again. He didn't get the fucking point. So I told him again more harshly. It felt good to tell him all of that. That's where it all finally ended I suppose. Yet, I still have feelings for him and remember the nights when everything was so innocent. Especially the first night. The night where he carried me up to the top of the playground to plant the very first kiss I've ever had.
Ugh, I'm such a stupid, foolish girl sometimes.