December 30, 2012 Sunday 12:07 AM
THREE DAYS UNTIL VACATION ENDS. THREE DAYS.
"I'm trying hard not to get into trouble but I..
I got a war in my mind"
-Ride, by Lana Del Rey
Lily wants to smoke a cigarette with me. Or should I say, THE cigarette. Not just any old ciggy, the one she gave me a month and a half ago (I don't even want to think about that month) so that I could smoke it when I felt the need. So I've just been saving it but I haven't had anything to light it with.
Lily's parents took all her ciggys when they found out about her problems on that day I refuse to discuss so she asked me if I would share the one I have, if she supplied the flames.
I said sure. I mean, I wanted to smoke it by myself. Just me. Alone. Smoking. I was always alone. It felt better, to smoke alone.
But she is a friend, and since she asked, I really don't mind. I don't mind being fucked up at times, like now. And I don't mind that I am a horrible person, encouraging others to do horrible things.
Like I might go downstairs and get buzzed again. Being buzzed makes life so much more bearable and its easier to sleep.
Alcohol... Alcohol.... I need alcohol and I need to smoke. Smoke smoke smoke.
Speaking of which... I'm going to ask Adrianna if she wants to hang out sometime soon. I wonder if I can still purchase weed. Or as those skins people call it, spliff. I'll smoke it by myself...
I'm always by myself. That's the way I am.
I might get used to it.
Life feels like heaven right now, because... Because I have a secret. And it isn't a good secret, but its one nevertheless. And I need to ease myself back into pills... So that I won't puke when I try to take one.
I remember almost vomiting on the table, trying to swallow an ibuprofen.
I threw away my trash today, and at the bottom were a couple empty pill bottles from when I overdosed. Yeah. It's been that long since I emptied my little trash can.
Anyhow, it brought back memories.
Sweet, sweet memories of pain... The good thing about overdosing is.. When you fail, you decide to turn your life around. Sometimes, you get fucked, unless you're strong and you keep going.
So, I guess if I ever feel like killing myself, I'll take forty (I just forgot out to spell forty. I was trying to spell it f-o-u-r-t-y) pills and afterwards, I'll feel like living again.
Maybe I'll just do that over and over again
until one day it actually works.
And I get what I want.