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2012-12-28 01:38:10 (UTC)


Friday December 28, 2012 1:38 AM

"Misguided Ghosts" by Paramore

[Today is my sisters nineteenth birthday. Thank God she lived this long. Well.... I hope her life goes great. But whatever. I need to quit being so nostalgic.The fuck, Veronica.]

Why do I always feel left behind? I do, and I don't know why. I haven't been alone at all for two days. I spent yesterday with Gillian until I went home and hung around for a bit after that... And today, from the moment I got up I was getting ready, then Marina and me trudged through the snow and laughed together just like we used to (only it was a bit more forced. Its hard to be myself around her.), after that I went to Aaron's for an hour to be with her and Makayla, and then Caroline, Ethan, me, and my parents went to see The Hobbit, which was kind of a pointless movie if you ask me.

Ethan kept complaining they could've squeezed the book into two movies, not three, and I dunno, that movie just seemed like a waste to me.

We watched it at this mall. But here's the thing, this mall is completely empty except for a JCPenny store and the movie theater, which has a bunch of corridors that are easy to get lost in.

It's like this ancient ghost town. I remember when I was in second grade, my best friend was this boy named Nick, and my birthday party was held at this bouncy house place in that very same ghost town mall, only back then, the mall was crowded and it had so many stores...

I guess I just miss when I was little and everything had this certain golden glow that isn't in life these days. Everything is stained gray. That's why I like the snow.

Something about snow is so truthful in a gentle way. It falls down and blankets what seems like the entire world, your entire world, and at the same time, it softens the sharp edges so everything feels curvy and smooth, almost like some kind of heaven.

And it's cold. Cold and harsh, like reality, and when the wind whips the snowflakes directly into your face, it doesn't matter that its cold and wet and unpleasant, because you don't care.

Just like when someone hurts you over and over again, but you keep going back because that person is just that beautiful to you.

And then later in the season, the snow gets ugly. Most people hate that part of winter, where the snow is brown and sludgy and just a blockage, so you can't walk anywhere without getting dirty water in your shoes.

I like it. Like I said, I feel like snow is one of the most truthful weathers. It just tells you about life. Rain is sadness or happiness among sadness (dancing in the rain), sunshine is happiness, cloudy days are tired days, windy days are just unpleasant, and yeah, there are more.

But snow is just life. You know, its not so bad and everything is sugarcoated and life doesn't give a fuck about you because life is a concept not a person or thing that can think.

When snow is brown and sludgy, I just think its a part of life. Life is unpleasant and stupid and pointless, but we go through it anyway, don't we? I mean, at some point there are pleasant things.

I just love snow. And I love thinking. And I don't know what to think about life, I think there is a lot of injustice, but mostly I only hate myself.

I could go on about hating myself but no one really cares (even I don't care) so I won't.

I'm sorry this is such a long fucking entry.

I just like writing.

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