LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2012-12-26 11:09:42 (UTC)

11:09 AM "Your New Twin..

11:09 AM

"Your New Twin Sized Bed" by Death Cab For Cutie


I really need to stop dumping my problems on Lily when she is across the country on vacation.

I guess its just that she's the only one who doesn't think something is wrong with me when I text her weird things like, "I'm two people but I'm neither" at night when my body was half drunk but my mind is perfectly fine.

The entry I wrote last night might've gotten crazier the more I wrote and if it did, thats because of the mixed alcohols I was drinking. My body gets all heavy when I drink so I went to bed after that. That's why I drank, anyway. I couldn't sleep.

Anyhow, Lily is the only one who reacts the way I wouldn't expect her to, you know? She seems fine with all this shit that I do and she makes me feel like I'm sane while everyone else thinks I don't know what I am doing.

I do.

So I have told her all these crazy things. And I feel bad and I feel selfish for it.

But I know I won't stop because even though Lily doesn't understand my reasons for everything, she understands most.

I have kept myself from saying "You wouldn't understand" on my diary because well.. Every teen says it.

But sometimes I feel it's true. There are reasons in my head for everything I do, and surely the people around me don't have to live with what I easily live with. I guess in some areas we overlap, like with depression and cutting

but I think I have other problems I can't share. Things I know some people really WOULDN'T understand. Like how my life is stable but its also not.

How my life is predictable but at the same time, the fact that it is too crazy to be mapped scares me.

The fact that I'm in second place, third place, but never last and never first. You forget my name as time goes by but you always remember Michael Phelps, don't you?

This is why I don't like telling people things. My thoughts tangle me up and then I'm presumed insane.


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