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2012-12-25 23:21:58 (UTC)

What The Fuck?

11:22 PM

"When I Get Home You're So Dead" by Mayday Parade

So, I guess at some point during my crazy self pity rampage earlier, I took out a new razor and cut my stomach. I don't remember doing this, but I guess I did because I noticed my stomach hurt so I checked and well... Four new ones.

Yay. I really don't care. Being able to draw blood so easily from myself really is bizarre, but I don't see it as wrong and I'm not disappointed with myself. I have had much worse cutting episodes.

The day is looming nearer where I will have to ask my mom an impossible question - "Oh, hey, want to give me an excuse note so I don't have to swim at school because I have scars on my body? Yeah, love you, thanks."

I doubt that will work.

I'm going to go watch Skins now. I don't know, I'm just really loving that show right now and Harry Potter is driving me crazy - ah. In another month, I'll have finished the series again and I'll start rereading Percy Jackson.

Although he doesn't compare (HE'S TOO PERFECT, WHY ISN'T HE EVER MEAN) to Harry Potter, Percy Jackson was actually my first love so I can never leave him.

I used to wish I was a wizard or a demigod.

I specifically remember an especially sad episode where I was sobbing in my old room, rocking back and forth praying, PRAYING I would wake up and be something different, special.

Something that was apart from who I am.

I still have trouble realizing that reality is reality, and no amount of Harry Potter will change that.

It's weird thinking to myself, "Magic doesn't exist. Gods don't exist." Because at some point, it was the only thing keeping me alive and it seemed real them. I really wanted it to exist.

I just wanted to have to fight to survive - because if I had to do that, I would've never gotten bored, never cut myself, never gotten depressed.

That's why I wouldn't mind anarchy, zombie apocalypse, nothing.

I hate the way weird is spelled. I always spell it wrong and then I have to go back and correct it. Ahhh!!! Why can't we just change it?? I thought the teachers taught us it was "I BEFORE E."

Oh, and we saw Les Miserables. It was amazing. The music made me cry a couple times... Oh, god, how embarrassing.

But yeah, especially when they shoot that little kid... What.

Alright, enough rambling. Merry Christmas. Ew.