2012-12-23 01:29:48 (UTC)


1:29 AM

"Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac

I would like to write about the awful fight me, Caroline, and Ethan just had. It was horrible and hurtful. It was mostly me and Ethan who were verbally attacking, while Caroline was trying to be civil.

I was watching her. She is so beautiful, even though her hair was in a messy pony tail and she was wearing my old t-shirt. I wonder if she knows how pretty she is. I mean, her pictures are great and in person, she's pretty but what I like most about her is that she can be ugly, too.

I've seen her on those days when she has an awkward pimple or when her hair is so knotted, she has to cut it.

But then, in real life, alongside the hideous moments are the gorgeous ones and the ugly part just makes it prettier, if that makes sense.

Just her whole manner, is so elegant and thoughtful.

I do admire her. I want to be like her. I want to be able to keep the peace, even when something someone does triggers a bad memory... I hate my anger issues.

They make me do terrible things, the little monsters.

Ethan was reminding me of my mom and dad bundled into one, but only the bad parts.

I guess home life is stable. I guess I'm very lucky, but there are times.... Every parent has their flaws.

I think my dad has asbergers. My mother, too sensitive, too angry. This is what I learned from.

My father would make a comment that mother found rude, she would react defensively, dad would laugh like she was stupid, mother would explode even more.

Dad gets angry that we're angry. I absorbed this.

These are my examples. I react the way my mother does. My dad often doesn't understand the point of view of another person.

In one case, he doesn't believe music helps me concentrate. In fact, many people use music to focus and to keep a steady rhythm in their work.

Ethan is like my dad, in this case. It's funny because we're not related at all. We didn't know he existed until last year, even though he lived across the street.

He does not see why religion is necessary at all. While I believe we could live without religion, life doesn't work that way. Religion helps people cope with things.

My sister was arguing that science and religion should be able to work together, and she has a very good argument.

It ended quite badly, with me shouting "GO HOME!" to Ethan and Ethan stalking out the door. I wiped away angry tears and went upstairs where I checked my e-mail when I heard a shout outside. I ran downstairs... There was a video going on my sisters computer, but no one was in the house. The video was one she took of our conversation so she could figure out where we went wrong.

I ran outside and sat there for a couple minutes before silently slipping back into the house. To make a longer story shorter, I stood in the kitchen as Ethan and Caroline walked in, talking heatedly. There were a few bits of conversation I couldn't make out.

They found me standing in the kitchen. Ethan hugged me and said sorry. He has this way of hugging you really tight and speaking quietly when he apologizes that really makes you believe he's sincere.

I wasn't mad at him. I just wish I didn't explode the way I always do.

My friends have never seen me angry. They've seen me argumental but never full out angry.

Marina is the only one who has ever seen me have an anxiety attack.

I don't think she knew what was happening, though.

I have to wake up early and help Aaron baby sit, so I'm going to go now. Today is my mothers birthday. I'm going to try and be a good child for the next week or so.


PS: I can't cut my wrists because I have a physical in January. Ughhh. These scars are not going to fade by then.

Well, I had to find a way to tell my mom, anyway. I have to get out of P.E. before swim season or I'm doomed as another emo kid. Being emo isn't bad. I just don't think its right to call someone emo just because they cut themselves.

Okay, bye.

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