z2smith

z2Smith
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2012-12-20 19:08:22 (UTC)

Dark Cloud

Today a dark cloud was over me. My bod felt like lead, so heavy, I just couldn’t lift myself up. My mouth feels and taste bitter and my chest hurts. I really just wanted to stay in bed and just drift in and out of sleep…..I can’t let that happen….I have to be strong. There are moments in life when we have to act. This time of the year is also very significant, not just because it is XMas but because it is the time to reassess yourself again. I feel very disappointed in myself. I know I am better than my current situation. I have all the potential of being a good husband and father but I have let myself down. When I look back (especially at my mismanagement of finance, I feel like a failure. I am much better than that and it is not too late. My financial target is to be debt free (apart from my mortgage). I am not sure how long it will take but I will work and work and work towards that. I feel prime and ready for the targets I have set myself. It has taken me over 2 years to be ready to ‘go for it’. I feel ready and determined. I have so many targets like my MSc in Mathematics, what I need to learn for my work, my Business, my Salsa, my Fitness (Health), my Swimming, my Investments, my Charity, my Family and my faith. I will pursue these goals with fervency and nothing will stop me. I need to be under the armour of the Holy one and stop looking for earthly answers, that way I shed my earthly desires and pursue what is pure and in me. I feel strange, very weak, I guess probably because it is XMas and my marriage is broken but I also feel strong because I still have a chance to achieve what has been placed in me. I have just started the journey. It will be very difficult, sometimes I will get tired, sometimes I will detour, sometimes I will want to turn back, sometimes I will be hungry, sometimes I will need refuelling, sometimes I will be alone, sometimes I will cry but I wouldn’t stop, I will keep on trying to go forward and move closer and closer to my targets. I have no choice.


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