LustingforNightmares

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Ezoic
2012-12-22 10:54:18 (UTC)

11:00 AM Saturday "The..


11:00 AM Saturday

"The Kill" by 30 Seconds To Mars


You know the kind of people, who tell you they are there for you any time... no judging... always there to listen. As long as you text first.

I can't do that. I physically cannot. I don't know if Gillian read my diary or not but I was comforted by the fact that she might've and I'm probably the one that made it stop because of my last entry.

Oh, great Veronica. Way to fuck things up... Again. Well, I can't be too hard on myself right now because it's morning, I'm bored, I have a head cold, Caroline and Ethan are asleep in the next room...

I'll just eat those cookies I made for comfort. We don't have any more good food, anyhow.
So I'll just be unhealthy.

I think I already mentioned that whenever I try to text someone that I'm about the cut I feel like a dramatic little attention-seeking bitch and so I really can't, can't do it. I've never really felt a barrier like that in my mind, where I really really can't even though I want to.

I don't want to be annoying.

I don't want people to make the assumptions I have made about them when they tell me their deepest, darkest secrets.

Like sometimes I think about how I don't think Aaron is really sad, but that's a lie. I don't know why my mind does this.

Sometimes, I get annoyed at Lily for.. being prettier than me, nicer, easier to talk to, everything. But I haven't had that jealousy in years, except for small twinges sometimes.


So officially, all my ties to sanity are being cut. I can literally feel myself sleeping more and more, and when I wake up it takes me a few minutes to feel like my dreams weren't real life, and it takes me longer not to try and slip back into that fake reality.

And its hard to breathe too.

I've been trying to take deep breaths, but for some reason, I can't seem to take deep ENOUGH breaths.

I'm going to go take a shower. Then, I am going to test my limits: Let's see how much longer I can go before I have a breakdown.


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